Dear Diary,

Happy New Year. Just read my entry from last year, when I was wondering why Byron had disappeared. Oh, just another story of men disappearing.

I thought of some other things I hate:

1. all commercials for Courtney Cox's new show "Dirt".
2. the "Bad Girls" reality show.
3. when I step in a wet spot and my sock gets wet.
4. there is no food in my refrigerator.

And in other news... I don't know. Another Friday night home by myself... and Saturday I went out last minute to a friend's birthday party. A group of us got together after being text-messaged for a very impromtu dinner. Don is normally part of that circle and initially I was very relieved that he wasn't there, but then he showed up at the end of the night. Dammit, how am I supposed to "give him space" when we have the same circle of friends and he keeps showing up? (He, by the way, didn't ask me to give him space, he's just been acting a little weird and pulled back, so it's something I've decided to do). Anyway after dinner we all went to the movies, and Don did sit next to me during the movie.

He asked me what I was doing for New Year's, and I told him I was going to a party with Inez. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he wasn't sure, and there was this or that party that he might go to. Then, I would overhear him talking to other people, and he would tell them he was going to this huge party over the bridge. ? Yes, I got the very distinct feeling that he didn't want us to go to the same party. So why did I end up inviting him to my friend's poetry reading party on Monday? I don't know. Because I had told him about it before he got so weird. And I wanted him to like me, I guess.

On New Year's Eve day I was in such a terrible mood. I felt awful about Don pulling away, and that all I want to do is eat raw cookie dough and lie in bed and cry. I feel like even though life carries on, my problems are the same, and will it ever be simple enough where I can like somebody and they can just like me back. W has been pursuing me vehemently by text message, but I absolutely refuse to play his games- I never respond to him. It seems like a HUGE cosmic joke that I was so crazy about him, and so depressed about how he treated me, and now I don't want him anymore and he is desperate to see me. Is that a fucked up joke or what? I mean honestly. Is my life destined to be full of men who won't like me when I like them?

Even though I felt like shit, I did my best to get dressed up (which just increased my depression because I have gained quite a bit of weight and nothing fits right now)- I finally settled on a plain black dress and went out to meet Inez. Red also joined us and we went to a party. We only stayed till 12:30 and then went out for something to eat. It was a rather early night as far as New Year's Eve goes, and I was glad to be done with it.

Red invited me out to brunch the next day so I did go out and meet him and a group of old friends- I guess it is a tradition with them to have brunch on New Year's Day. It was a nice group of people and while I was out to brunch Don called. I was a little shocked, as I really believed he'd be partying so hard he would just sleep in and forget about the poetry party. But he was keen on going. So I went there after the brunch, and Don came about two hours late. Don is always late.

Anyway, once there things seemed relatively normal for us- I guess I get worried that he doesn't want to be with me, and he won't want to kiss me or touch me anymore. It all just fucks with my head, I'm telling you.

He drove me home. Originally he said he was very tired and wanted to go home and sleep, and didn't want to stay over, and could we make a plan for Wednesday? But I said I was working on Wednesday and I'm leaving on Thursday. So he made the decision to come in for awhile. Let's just say he pleasured me for oh, something like three hours? I know, I can't believe it. I asked him if he was still nervous about having sex with me, and he said yes. But that seemed to open up the door around sex, and I pleasured him a bit, then he said he wanted to have sex. I really don't think, at this stage in our relationship, that it is a wise thing to do, seeing as how he disappears because he feels his freedom is challenged, and then I worry- can you imagine how much worse it would be if we had sex? Anyway he didn't have a condom, so, not happening anyway. And then I said, I'll just sit on you like this, close to you, and I put my hand on his heart and he got these tears in his eyes. So what am I supposed to think? There's some shit going on here.

I saw him again last night with the dance group, and he was back to kind of ignoring me. Then after it was over he practically walked me all the way home, holding my hand and kissing me and being sweet. So I think he's freaked out about public affection because maybe other women think he's "taken"?

I can't deal. I'm going to be gone for a while, and I think that will be very good, for both of us. I have some compassion for Don, because I can see how scared he is, with the tears and all, but I can barely stand being ignored. When I talked to Red about it, he just tells me that guys struggle with things that are too easy... and if he pulls away I should pull away. It seems irritating and like a game, but every woman who has guys that are crazy about her says the same thing. Overall I think it will just be healthier for me to pull into myself and just take care of me.

Well, I'll fill you in as it goes.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]