Dear Diary,

Guess what?

Oh yes, you've figured it out. I suck.

Well, maybe it's not that I suck. It's that I haven't written in... forever. Yes, in over a year and a half. It's true.

I can't really tell you why. I can tell you that life got very busy, and I just never felt I had the time to go online and keep up with everyone else's diaries, much less my own. Also, maybe it was just time for me to go INWARD. You know, like all spiritual and stuff.

But here's a quick update, written by me just because I feel like it, and hey, isn't that what diaries are for?

I am still working for myself, and somehow supporting myself, much to the surprise of everyone in my family and myself. Who knew? I feel that I'm in my proper job, and actually I like my work. I go through periods of not making so much money, but then money eventually comes around again. I don't freak out about it so much. After all, with global warming and pollution and overpopulation, who's to say that the earth is even going to last long enough for me to pay off my credit card bill? Eventually we will either a) blow ourselves up, or b) transmute to incandescent light-beings and walk out of our bodies and material things such as shoes and clean closets and debt won't matter any more.

That's my theory.

And, also, I have a BOYFRIEND. That's right. Do you remember M? Well, he's in the last couple of entries. I wrote about him around New Year's time. He called me after his divorce, and at the same time he called me, DON was getting scarce. For a reason. M ended up being my boyfriend. He even calls himself that. We've been dating since the beginning of the year. He's only broken up with me once, for one hour. Then he called and we got back together. It was all very silly, since we get along really great, and have great communication and lots of fun, but he's still recovering from divorce and got scared because everything seemed too easy and he's afraid to be in love again. That's what he told me, anyway.

I'm much better about giving him space and accepting who he is, it is a practice for me. He's different that Alphie in that he actually cares about my feelings and is not afraid to be vulnerable. I realized I have a lot of issues about men leaving because of my dad, and I would naturally always choose men who run away or weren't really available. M is here and dealing with life and doing his best to figure it out, and when he gets scared he tells me the truth. He doesn't disappear. When I get scared I find myself pulling back or wanting to hold on, but I have a different way of looking at myself right now. I know M needs a certain kind of space. Sometimes it's challenging for me but I guess that's part of real relationship.

Anyhow. Work, and relationship, and I can actually sleep now. I lot can happen in a year +.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]