Dear Diary,

Here I am again, feeling slightly more rested, but curiously depressed. I have felt down now for about three weeks. I can't quite put my finger on it, but perhaps it is the change of the seasons, or some such thing.

I wish I could get out of this funk. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am, but I have that little cloud of doom hanging over my head.

Today I spent a good part of the day procrastinating about doing laundry, and the rest of the day doing it. I hadn't done laundry in so long, I had to make two trips to the laundromat. It was no fun as usual, but as I said to M, "Well, at least I'm not slapping my shirt against a rock in a filthy river with a dead cow floating by."
"- and wondering why you have Hepatitis C," he added. I like M's sense of humor.

That's one of the things we've got going for us- not to sound conceited, Diary, but I can't recall ever having a boyfriend who can keep up with my sense of humor and general brainwaves. Frank, Alphie, Don, they were all very nice boys, but there was a limit to what we could talk about. With M I feel like I can talk about anything, from the mundane to the metaphysical, from freaky and disgusting to spiritual, and he can meet me there. It's really, really, nice.

I have gratitude for that.

We haven't seen each other in almost three weeks, because there was a lot going on this month and we both had many commitments. We only live about 2 hours apart, but we just couldn't make a visit happen. I'm going to his house tomorrow for the weekend, so that should be fun. Only he is a little grouchy today because he hurt his back, and when I said, "I'm excited to see you," he just replied, "yeah." There is a part of me that was disappointed that he didn't sound more enthusiastic, but I'm trying not to sink down into that "nothing is ever enough" feeling that tends to be like a bottomless pit. M is distracted by trying to figure out what he's going to do with his life (very important to a man, from what I understand) and also physical pain and exhaustion, and maybe doesn't sit around and moon and think about when I'm coming. Well, maybe sometimes, but not always.

Either way, whenever I worry that maybe this relationship isn't growing or really real or if I am loved or something like that, my friend Red points out, "Well, he keeps showing up," which is very true. M calls me usually 2-3 times a day, and makes a point of saying good night. He doesn't send cards or a lot of emails, and he's never bought me flowers, but when we are together he always takes me out to eat and basically insists on paying wherever we are or whatever we are doing. He pretty much, I guess you could say, buys me whatever I want. And although some women say, "bravo, take advantage of THAT," truthfully it is not the important thing for me. Frank had plenty of money, but when he bought me things, it was kind of with the attitude of he was buying it for me because I couldn't get it for myself. I also felt that he bought me a lot of things so he could be reassured that when he left (which it seems he was planning for awhile) I would be comfortable. Ergh.

But I guess that's one of the ways M shows affection for me. Sometimes it is hard for him to show physical affection- sometimes he gets really tense and guarded, and shuts down. I've seen it so many times, that I know it's not a permanent state. It usually happens when he is either really stressed and being hard on himself, or afraid to get close. He vacillates between that stage and being really open, loving, silly, and passionate with a beautiful light in his eyes. I know that usually when he is shut down, I just have to get him into his body and some sensation- usually turn him on a little bit- and that melts the armor and he is back. But when he shuts down on the phone, I don't have quite the same magical powers. So I know that even if he is cranky and not excited about me, when he actually sees me it's a different story. We laugh a lot and like a lot of the same things.

So, I will try to remember these things today.

I need to get ready, Red and I are going to a lecture, and I have to pack for tomorrow as well. Always so much to do in the World of Duck.

People have been telling me that I look really great after my fast- that my skin is glowing and I am thinner. I can tell in my face, but not really sure about my body. My intention is to not eat processed sugar for at least another two weeks. I have already gone over a week without it, and they say 21 days makes a habit, so what the heck? After 21 days I'll re-evaluate and see if it's worth it to eat sugar or not. It's so bad for me, the current state of my health, teeth, etc., that I really don't need it. Plus it may help to keep me thinner.

I know I look better, I just wish I felt better than I do, but I guess it's all a matter of being where I am.

Love,
Duck

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