different choices = better results [ 2007-10-30, 2:01 p.m. ]

Hi Diary,

Well, I know I have not been updating very much at all. And so much has happened, I could probably write many, many entries. But I will try to scale everything down.

First of all, I signed up for a new training. It's once a month, and I have to travel quite a distance to get there. The whole thing sounds kind of crazy (to other people) but I really love what this woman is teaching and I am convinced that I won't find this training in my area.

The interesting part is, Alphie has studied with this woman too, and he actually started the training last year. So he is already in Level 2, and I am in Level 1. Great, we are in different classes, so no sweat. I don't really feel the desire or the readiness to have him intertwined in my life anymore. The only "weird" thing about it was - I never told him I enrolled in the training, and since the ONE time we talked this whole year, and he never asked anything about me... the subject never came up.

I went to the first training in September, and I admit it felt a little bit weird to know that Alphie and I were in the same town, but he didn't know I was there and I made no effort to tell him. I figured that sooner or later he would find out I was in the training and we'd have to deal with it, but I thought I'd just cross that bridge when I came to it.

That bridge came this month- October- so I didn't really get much of a respite! I was talking to Serena, my teacher, on the phone, and I told her that for some reason, I didn't feel like connecting with Alphie at all, I actually felt panicked. This is the thing about going into these trainings- they bring up all your personal stuff- your fears and relationship issues and whatever else. When Serena heard that, she said, "Oh- I didn't know- Grace is going to be in your class."

Huh! Turns out that Grace enrolled late, and Serena decided to let her in. My theory is that Alphie and Grace have really been struggling (heard that through the grapevine from numerous mutual sources), the main issue being that Alphie travels so much for work. So one of their remedies might have been to enroll Grace in the Level 1 class, which meets the day after the Level 2 class. That way, Alphie and Grace would be in town at the same time.

But for me, I got kind of upset. One thing was I was really excited about being in the group, and not knowing anybody, and just being able to be myself. Think about it. There is an incredible freedom in going into a group where nobody really knows you- you can invent yourself right then and there. You can be vulnerable, because you have no attachment to somebody judging you. Well, here's Grace- and although it is expected that what goes on in the trainings remains confidential- do I really believe that she is not going to say SOMETHING about me to Alphie? No, I do not.

So, this was my new conundrum. Serena told me that whatever I was going through, it was just an issue of needing space from Alphie, and she would help me by telling Alphie I needed space. Except there was a slight misunderstanding in that transmission and, not going into too much detail, on the day of class I found Alphie standing right in front of me. I could see that he really cares about me, and he wants to be nice, but, there is something about the way he pushes himself into my life, into my space, and I lose all sense of myself. I had some process around it with Serena during the day, and it was a little strange having Grace in the class, but I suppose it is all part of some divine order, so I'll just wait for what is supposed to be revealed to me.

Enough about that.

Also, I started therapy. I don't know if I like my therapist or not. I've only had one session, and I'm going to have my second session in a couple of hours. During the first session I talked about my abandonment fears with M, and also about my dwindling passion and inspiration around my work and making money. We had a lengthy discussion about frequency of therapy and payment, and even though I said I wanted to pay her full fee, she kept emphasizing that with my current money struggles I should opt for a sliding scale amount. She suggested I get a second job, and I told her I couldn't really get anything steady, since I had committed to traveling for this training once a month. She then blurted out, "You can't afford to take a training right now." Later in the session I told her that made me angry that she said that, it felt like a judgement. I am so sick of people judging me, and telling me what is possible, according to their belief systems. And I wasn't even asking her for a favor- I hadn't come to therapy with the intention of paying sliding scale, I wanted to pay the full price. To me sometimes it seems that if people are giving you a deal, then you are expected to do it their way. Well fuck them. I don't want to do it their way. I have every intention of taking this training because in my heart of hearts I know it is incredibly good for me. I know I will grow from it and if anything, the money block is only a resistance to growth and I can grow beyond that too.

Lastly, things with M this weekend took an interesting turn. One minute I was asking him what he wanted to do with our afternoon, the next minute he was in that place of expressing his dissatisfaction, his unhappiness, his worry- that he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't feel like boyfriend material, he doesn't feel like he can commit to me, he only had one relationship his whole adult life and he feels like he doesn't know anything about relationship, he feels like he needs freedom but he doesn't know what that looks like, and he might want to see other people and have other experiences because he never got to do that.

This is not the first time I heard all this- it scares me when he talks like this- but in that moment, I was just thinking why did this have to hurt so much, because I feel like he is the love of my life. Then this voice in my head said, "THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE LOVES YOU BACK." And M doesn't love me back. He loves me, but not with the same intensity as I love him. He doesn't rise to meet me with excitement and enthusiasm. Instead he is constantly bombarded with these thoughts, which apparently he wrestles with at home for long periods of time, until he can't take it anymore and they all come flowing out.

So, fearfully, I asked him if he wanted to take a break, and he said, "I think that would be a good idea," after which much crying ensued, on both our parts. We talked a lot, we cried, then we wondered why we were crying, since it's a break, and it's unknown, and we don't know what's going to happen. We admitted it felt scary to think we weren't going to talk for the next 20 or so days. He expressed how crazy he felt, that he can tell I care about him so much and he feels like he takes it for granted or just can't take it in- I admitted that it feels bad to think that I am not enough, that he is always wondering about other women. Then, we took off all our clothes and snuggled up and looked into each other's eyes, and we told each other what we liked about each other physically, and energetically, and we remembered high points of our relationship together- remember when we took this trip, remember when you did this, when we did that. Then we made love, and it was AMAZING lovemaking- then we cried some more. Then we went out to eat. Then we came back to my place and had a fitful night of sleep (at one point I awoke at about 3am and started crying again- and welded my eyes shut with tears. he also reported having lots of dreams). Then we went out for breakfast. Then we said a little prayer of intention for this separation/break, and then he drove away.

Those of you who have read this Diary for a few years may have noticed a similarity here in my last "SERIOUS" relationship- with Frank. Frank was very ambivalent about me. Frank and I took a separation of 48 days, and at the end I got to learn that he didn't want to get back together because he just didn't show up. Harsh.

I'm the kind of person who believes that if you don't get it the first time, the Universe will give you the same, if not a parallel, situation until you learn what you're supposed to learn. Obviously, I missed something the last time.

I talked to Red, who suggested that it's really important that during this time I remain connected to Spirit. I talked to Serena, who said, "You need to throw yourself into your own life. If you sit around, just thinking about M, then all your energy is going to M. If and when M meets with you, he'll find no 'you' there, because all your energy will have been given to him. You'll have no self. If you put all your attention in your own life, there will be a self there for him to relate to. And even if he decides he doesn't want to be with you, at least you'll have a strong self."

This makes more sense than anything. When Frank and I separated, I distracted myself, kept myself busy. I read constantly, watched movies, and went to the gym for 2 hours a day. But I thought about him a lot. I wondered if he would want me back. I called a lot of psychics to try and figure out if he would come back. I wanted to do some kind of magic so he would return. Most of my energy was either directed toward fantasy and/or him. And I was still crushed in the end. So what Serena says make sense, and goes with my theory of trying something different.

Actually my friend Gail said that yesterday. She is having money difficulties too, but she said, "I just do the same things, but I expect different results. Now I have to make better choices for better results."

So, that's my intention. I can only be in the unknown. When I start to wonder or try to envision what will happen, I say to myself, "I don't know yet, that's the unknown." When I start fantasizing about M and what could happen, might happen, etc, I encourage myself to pull my energy back to myself. That's why it doesn't really make sense to cry. Nothing has happened really; we haven't made any decisions. We'll just have to wait and see what it's like to talk on November 16th.

Also, I realized it's useless to make decisions about relationships when you aren't even talking to the other person. It's useless to talk to them in your head. You can only talk to yourself. Everything else is unknown.

Throwing myself into my own life is a different choice, and I think it will give me better results. Also, Steffy said something interesting. She suggested this might be a great opportunity for me, and I think she's right. I got a glimpse of it- what I could learn about myself. And she suggested that I play with being attractive. That I flirt and play with my attractive nature. Why contract during this time? Which is definitely what I did with Frank. I contracted and I put myself into a holding pattern. I forgot how to breathe. What if this time, I really started breathing... and expanding?

Well, those are just the thoughts of the day. I told you there was a lot.

Love,
Duck

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