Dear Diary,

I don't feel like I'm doing nearly as well as I was yesterday. Yesterday I was feeling confident that I could be in the moment, in the unknown, that I could ride it out, make it an adventure.

Then I went to therapy.

Shit. I talked about the incident with Alphie and of course the new developments with M. My therapist pointed out that I am always involved in triangles. My triangular relationship with Alphie and Grace, with Frank and first his Psycho Ex-Girlfriend and then his daughter, and numerous other triangles which of course boils down to me, mom and dad.

Her theory, which seemed to come out of left-field at first, was that this was just another example of a triangle... that M saying he might want to see other people... well, even though there is no particular "other woman" the whole 'maybe' that there could be somebody else out there for him to play with is the other. She boiled it down to my mother, not allowing me to connect with my father, and me somehow internalizing this energy so I help to sabotage my own relationships. It can never be me and another person. There's always some other element getting in the way.

Although I'm not sure I completely am grasping this concept mentally, it sure made me sad. I felt really horrible after therapy, much more horrible than when I went in. I was so tired I tried to go to bed at 9:30pm, but couldn't sleep, so ended up watching some DVDs etc, and maybe going to bed around 1:30am. I slept a lot, and of course dreamed of M this morning, and have spent the day 1) lounging about, 2) crying and screaming about my mother, and 3) feeling hopeless.

I feel like I've failed in my self-assignment of jumping into my life with fervor, celebration and abandon. I don't feel those things at all. I have been lying down the whole time. I was invited to a couple Halloween parties, and I have no costume, and no desire. Maybe I will be able to muster up something, but, right now, I am in a rut.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Duck

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