Hi Diary,

There is not much to say, really, so I don't know why I'm here. I suppose to keep busy. The last couple of days I have woken up and thought, "I am in hell," how interesting. Interesting and sad, because I have already been through this. There is a sensation of unfairness, I want to say to the Universe, "No fair! I've already done this one! Why do I have to do it again?!" Also, that everybody else has it easier than me (though my rational brain can tell me that this is not true, there is another part of me that is screaming it). Everybody else can just get in relationships and love somebody and somebody will love them back and the first person can just feel loved and confident and not worry that they're not pretty enough and that their partner is also looking outside and wanting to be with somebody else...

I know, not necessarily true, and there's lots of things in life to worry about and be unhappy about, but still, let me have my few minutes of whining, won't you?

Hmm. See I am already on the third paragraph of this entry and I don't know what to write. It is very hard to contain my own energy. I did pretty well the first day and a half, but now I have slipped and I can't help but think of M, and if he misses me, etc.

So let's talk about Halloween. It was rather uneventful. I hooked up with Emily and went to a party, but a party that never really got started the whole time I was there. I rifled through my closet and found some things to wear: a wig, a tight bodysuit, lots of makeup. Ok. Met up with Emily and we went to her friends' apartment. Her friend wasn't there, but the boyfriend of her friend was. We were the only people that had arrived. He was cooking something with onions. It was unbearable to be in the house, my eyes were burning and I thought that surely my carefully painted on makeup would be running off my face. Emily and I opened all the doors and windows. We sat around for an hour before another woman came. Then we all sat around (they all drank wine) and I left an hour and a half later after I arrived. The "hostess" of the party was still not there-- apparently not a very good planner or just not caring that she had created a party and people actually showed up. It kind of reminds me of Don, whose birthday was in March. I had been invited to two parties that night and his was the first one. He was over an hour and a half late for his own birthday party, so I actually had to leave before he even got there.

The boyfriend (onion cooker) is having a birthday party on Saturday and invited me, but if this is the way people have parties, I'm sure I'm not interested. It struck me that Emily and I are very different, I mean this I knew... but just what amuses us is different. She is content to put on a costume, go sit in someone's apartment with three or four other people and sit around drinking wine. No dancing, laughing at things that aren't really even very funny. She is very conservative and in some ways almost like a little kid, to me. Or, not even. Like a sensuous part of her life is missing.

I didn't tell her about the break with M. I know, that with Frank I kept things a big secret, because I was embarrassed, and... I don't know why else. But I don't want to tell Emily about this because I don't want to hear her judgement or criticism of M or the situation. I have already gleaned that she doesn't like him or may be jealous of the connection I have with him. Also, that she has not been in a relationship in probably over 5 years, but she gives advice that simplifies other people's relationships. She is obviously scared of/resistant to being with someone, so I'm not really interested in hearing her sweeping justifications or opinions on this one.

Things have been shifting with us, as I mentioned a few entries ago, I just stopped calling her with such frequency. It used to be that we would talk and make a basic plan, and then I wouldn't hear from her. As the time got closer and closer to our plan, I would call her a few times and try to reach her to pinpoint and set something up. She would very rarely return calls, and I would just have to catch her. Well, I stopped doing that. Example: I spoke with her on Sunday, and we had basic plans for Monday- very basic- yes, let's get together on Monday night, come over and bring the things you need help with. Call me in the afternoon. Yes, I will. Monday comes and I didn't hear a peep. Normally I would have called in the afternoon, are you still coming over? etc. Nope. Didn't do it. Then she calls on Tuesday, are we still getting together? Not confused about time or anything, it seems Monday she flaked, and still needed her things done, so now she was hoping I'd be available on Tuesday. I said I wasn't. Maybe she will figure it out that I am not going to chase her anymore. If not, oh well. Hanging out is fine and fun, but I can't be arranging my schedule around hers.

After I escaped the small, onion-infested gathering, I met up with Red. We walked around town. Some people were out and about in their costumes so that was fun to see. We went to a bar where some of our friends were supposed to have a party, but when we got there we decided we didn't want to be there. So we went out to eat instead. We talked about a bunch of stuff, M and some other things. The whole night actually I was wishing I was home in my bed, but I should get some sort of points for going outside.

Trying to not abandon myself. Don't know if I'm doing a very good job.

Duck

[previous] [next]