too much thinking [ 2007-11-02, 11:48 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

This morning, instead of having a dream about M, I dreamed that the Former Mrs. M (henceforth to be known as FMM) and I were preparing to take a trip, to Egypt, but because of FMM's not paying attention to the time and general lollygagging, we missed our flight. All I could think of when I woke up was, "Great, now I am dreaming of HER too?" Geez.

Not much else has happened in this small span of time. I just spent an hour working on my computer, and because I didn't bother to save my work as I went along, the program I was using shut down and all was lost! I guess it wasn't meant to be. I'm still waiting to feel really, really inspired. It hasn't happened yet. Perhaps after I see Red today, I will feel something shift.

I guess I will go for a little walk, and take a shower, and be on my way to Red's. In actuality he doesn't live that far from me, but I only have the bus, so that takes some time.

I talked to my brother Kevin yesterday, and he assured me that M is missing me, because I'm missable. I don't know, though - I remember thinking that surely Frank would choose to come back, because how could he not? I'm so awesome. But he chose not to. It has taken me some time to realize that not everyone is into feeling as much as I do (this is not to be conceited- I mean, I'm very emotional. and I realize not everyone wants to live a really emotional life- no judgement- just there. M told me I am very intense, and of course I don't feel that I am intense because this is the emotional and physical reality that I live in. but he said my sexual energy and my emotional energy is so. maybe his is not, as well. after all, he was perhaps content? to live with FMM and have no sex, no discussion, no passion. so what I'm saying is, some people are okay living that way.)

So I hesitate to think that everybody wants to share this existence with me just because....

Kevin didn't seemt to get the whole "break" thing. He kept saying I should send M a card, maybe to say, "Hey, what's up? I'm thinking of you?" I couldn't get across to him that that's not really what breaks are about- that one of my things is keeping my word, and that's not honoring the agreement. He pointed out that we agreed not to TALK, not WRITE. I was thinking more in terms of general contact, and don't really see the point in a card anyway (which I'm not sending). M knows that I'm not mad, that this wasn't even something I wanted. Knowing him, he's probably feeling bad about himself already.

Enough about that...

In a fortnight (don't you like the way that sounds?) I'll be going on a trip for 3 weeks. So that is something to be looking forward to. I had to borrow money from my mother to make it happen. But I think the whole thing will be like a vision quest, some sort of expansive spiritual journey. Hopefully when I return I will have more confidence, more inspiration, and more whatever it is that I need. M and I are scheduled to talk the day before I leave.

I don't know anything anymore, I don't even know what I want. Sometimes I think it would be okay if we just started dating again, you know, openly, and it could be casual, and he could see that being single is really not all it's cracked up to be. And maybe I would go back to dating women. And we would still get to see each other, and just see. And then other times I feel that I like him so much, I would be able to bear thinking about him being with somebody else. And then my thinking exhausts itself to the point where I say, does it really matter, I don't think I'll ever get what I want so why not take what I get.

Probably not the best way to think, and now I may not have enough time to take a walk, so looks like it's time to head to the shower.

Duck

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