Hi Diary,

Well, yesterday was not so productive, I admit. Although I had a temporary high after my meeting, I then lost control, because I'm not used to having so much unscheduled time to myself where I'm not allowed to call M. Or not supposed to think about him.

So I ended up diddling around online, all the while rather conscious that I was numb to anything I was looking at, and I really wanted to cry. I felt a lot of worry, so I called Red. I asked him what worry is, and he said it's disconnection from the Universe.

Oh. That again.

So he suggested I play the game, "What would so-and-so do?" But first I had to pick a so-and-so that I would model myself after. At first he suggested Gail, but I don't want to be Gail because Gail is more about pushing people around and refuses to be vulnerable. So I said, what I want to be is a confident woman who knows she's sexy, and has a good self-esteem, and doesn't let other people needing space affect her in a negative way. "Okay!" said Red. "Now who is that?" Since I couldn't think of anyone off the top of my head that I know personally, we went online and looked up some sexy goddesses, and I picked one. "Okay!" said Red. "Now what would she do?"

"I guess she'd... dance around the house," I replied. "And feel sexy."

"Okay! Go do that!" and we hung up. So I put on some music, and danced around the piles of clutter and clothes everywhere, but truthfully I must be so psychologically worn out or off-balance or something, because I felt kind of dizzy and like I could fall down at any moment.

Then I was ready for bed, and slept quite fitfully, with many dreams of M I'm sure, even though I couldn't remember them this time. I'm back to dreaming about him, you might be happy to know, and I haven't seen the Former Mrs. M in dreamland since that one time when she made me miss the plane to Egypt.

Today, it was hard to get up, but rather nice to discover I had a whole extra hour. Actually it's been nice all day, because it's a different time in the bedroom than it is in the living room, and when I pass from one to the other I feel like I got a gift of a whole other hour.

So I read most of the morning, and most of last night, as a matter of fact I've finished two novels in the last two days, I'm not sure if that's healthy. I still have to read a bit for school (training) and I suppose I'll get on that now that my novels are finished.

After reading till about 1 or 12 (I'm not sure which, due to the clock situation) I had some breakfast, and then decided I really needed to clean the house. I started with the bathroom sink and toilet, washed the dishes and cleaned the stove (which was cluttered and disgusting). I then attacked the clean laundry that's just been lying about getting all wrinkly, and purged the top shelf of the hall closet, which tends to spit things out in a chaotic avalanche every now and then. I picked up all the clothes of the floor in the bedroom closet (it seems things fall off their hangers very easily and then I'm always wondering where my pants are, or how I've lost some outfit) and found a whole bag of clean socks, which I must have been too lazy to pair up at some point when I did laundry in the spring. Well that explains some things, why I haven't been able to find any socks.

I'm going to take a shower soon, and cut my toenails, and put on handcream and go to Red's birthday party. I think I'll feel much much better once the whole place is clean and organized, it's just a rather large task. I want to make the bed before I go, even though some part of me is resistant to that, since the sheets on there now are the same ones M and I made love on Sunday.

I am working hard to stay connected, and I can see I need a lot of practice. I worry a lot. And doubt. And I wonder if all my worry last time helped push Frank away. I started to think of the fact that the Universe sends me people to connect with, but I am also co-creator in how the relationship turns out. It depends on my fears and my attitudes and all those things. I'm not sure what the answers are, I am just learning like everyone else. Part of it might be an opportunity to explore how much I really love myself, how much I really believe that I am worth loving and worth having a relationship at all.

Anyway, onward. Even though I have discovered I have one hour more than I thought I had, I better get going.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]