Dear Diary,

I don't know if you are old enought to remember it, but there was a time when you just couldn't know things, because we didn't have the technology back then. Technology has taken dating, relationships, separations, "breaks" and break-ups to a whole new level.

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, consider this: you now have more methods than ever to help you to spy on people, find out their locations and activities, and/or, avoid them altogether.

The first culprit: cellular phones. One of the greatest, peace-ruining, yet privacy-protecting, inventions of all time. Peace-ruining, because now you have to listen to everybody and their mother's cell phone conversation (at least one side of it) whenever you are out in public. Also, it may have a tendency to make you feel as though you are on call. Do you remember the days when you left the house, with no phone, and you didn't know who called you until you got home and checked your answering machine? But now you have people calling, calling, constantly, always trying to get you, and your answering while you're driving or balancing your coffee in one hand or on the way somewhere or even when you are taking a walk in the park- sure, you are reachable, convenient, but you are never where you are anymore. You're on the phone. Who has time to enjoy the park?

But. Then there is the whole caller ID. Before caller ID, you just didn't know who it could be! Every phone call was a surprise! You just didn't know! I bet you could tell that to a 13 year old and they just wouldn't believe you. "Really! We would answer the phone, and NEVER knew who it was until they said something! We lived with mystery!" They would be shocked.

But cell phones are great, because now you can screen, and you never have to talk to anybody you don't want to. And, when you don't want to be known, you just hide your number.

Last night I got a (no number) call while I was at Red's party. I don't usually get those- there's only one client who usually calls from a blocked number and he ALWAYS leaves a message, because he is starving for someone to talk to and has always asked me to call him back. So I don't think it was him. I do think it might have been M - for whatever reason, maybe just to hear my voice- I don't know. But my voice is not on my voicemail, so either in a moment of weakness he may have called and hung up, or maybe he would have said something.

The other thing is somebody has been hitting a lot of visits on my MySp@c3 page. I am a very lazy MySp@c3er, after I figured out nobody there is really interested in keeping in touch- it's more personal promotion or friend collecting or whatever. I don't have a blog, I don't update, and I rarely even go on there myself, and only occasionally to trade messages there with people I know in person. But in the past week I have been visiting everyday due to boredom, and noticing that I'm getting 5-10 views a day. Interesting, especially since I know that M used to visit FMM's page a lot... There is no way for me to visit his page, as he doesn't have one.

Also the other night I opened up my Skype, which I only downloaded as a way for M and I to talk-- he is really the only person in my address book. I know he has one other friend on the East Coast that he talks to on Skype. I don't know why I opened mine- just out of curiousity- I guess, to see. And I started working with other programs and heard that funny noise that means someone else is online, and there was M. But his said "unavailable" which I don't know if that means maybe he was talking to his friend, or just clicked that unavailable symbol. But it made me a little freaked out, almost as if by accident we were at the same party and he walked into the room, and I saw him and realized, "Shit, we are on a break, he's not supposed to see me!" And I jumped out the window. Well, okay, the cyber-equivalent to that would be, I logged out.

This gives me some hope sometimes, that maybe he is missing me, and maybe he is having as miserable a time as I am being without our daily communications. Why, that could actually be possible! There is a part of my brain that is actually quite amazed in realizing this. The other parts must really not like myself!! But it could be true. He could miss my voice, our conversations, our connection. Holy cow!

Also, it drives me crazy. Because now, of course, everytime I get a text message, I hurry to find my phone hoping it will say: "Hi. I miss you. Can I call you?" And I go on MySp@c3 to see if I've been looked at. And I know I'll open up Skype again if only for the chance to see his little green icon.

Pathetic, perhaps, but we have to take what we can get.

Yesterday I didn't get much more done than I mentioned in my entry. I went to Red's birthday party, which was fun, but only about a third of the people he invited showed up. I think he may have been a little disappointed- he wanted a really big party, and it was rather small. We loved him up though. After the party a group of us went out for coffee and pie (I am of course not eating pie, so I just watched everyone eat theirs- I don't even want it, actually-- way to go, sugar fast!) After which we took a walk around town, dwindling to smaller and smaller groups until it was just me and Red, the best of friends. He called me when we both were in our respective homes and said, "Thanks for making my birthday party amazing. And in fact, thanks for making my life amazing." Wow. What a nice thing to say.

That almost makes me tear up just thinking about it now, and makes me think - oh yeah... I might be loveable! Now how can I remove the obstacles from my life that are keeping a boyfriend from saying those things to me? And what I wish for Red is for him to have somebody in his life too. He deserves to have somebody who's crazy about him.

So today, I am getting my period, and not feeling so great, so I haven't done much of anything. I just started to do some hand wash, of which I have piles, so I'm sure that will take some time. And I guess I'll just keep trying to sort through the clutter, and get my life in order.

Till then,
Love,
Duck

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