random surprises and disconnecting from the past [ 2007-11-06, 3:16 p.m. ]

Hi Diary,

Only small bits of news today, but since I'm on a roll with the whole writing thing, I figure I'll just continue. I've been very sick the past 24 hrs, due to phenomena of the feminine nature, which nobody needs to hear about, but it makes me very weary and I have such a hard time every month. This morning I woke up in a lot of pain, and painkillers don't even seem to work, so I don't know what's going on. I thought the fast would have helped, but it's actually worse this month than last, so I'm at a loss as to what to do to improve my situation.

So, yesterday I was feeling less than stellar, but had to leave the house for a meeting, and on my way out noticed a letter in my mailbox. Upon closer examination I found M's return address, and thought, "Oh shit." Past experience, as you may remember, drove me crazy, with my ex Frank refusing to talk to me on the phone, playing many games, and leaving letters and various items in my mailbox. So I had an immediate sensation of fear.

I was shocked when I opened the letter and before I even got to read it, a check fell out. A check for a few THOUSAND dollars, Diary. Hello! Reading the letter revealed that M apologized for breaking the 'rules' of no contact, but a few weeks ago when I was leaving his house and was upset, I had confessed some of my money fears to him about the upcoming months. In that moment he offered to give me some money- it wasn't specified if it would be a donation of some sort or a loan, and we never really discussed it again, and I sort of dismissed it as one of those things and determined I would fix the situation myself. Apparently he took that conversation to be an agreement, and he sent me this check.

The letter overall was short, greeting me by my nickname, and apology for the rule-breaking, and here's the money we talked about, I believe in you and I am happy to contribute. Take care, M. With a couple of smiley faces drawn in, which he normally doesn't do, but my belief is he was trying to project a loving feeling my way.

(We have never purposefully used the "L" word. I say purposefully because, we have never looked into each other's eyes and said, "I love you." It has come out "by accident" and in times of stress. Examples: one time this summer, M was here and I my friend Keith was visiting from far away, and the mood got so jovial that upon M's leaving, he turned and waved and said, "I love you both!" Doesn't really count so much though when the man you're dating says he loves you and the man standing next to you.

And also the time when M was very excited about buying his new car, and was waiting for his dad to pick him up, and was in all kinds of energetic tizzies bouncing around the house, and then his father pulled into the driveway and M was almost shouting, "Okay, he's here, I have to go! I love you and I hope you have a great day!"

The other time, which was quite purposeful on my part, was right after our 'one hour breakup' when we were having a teary conversation in which M was expressing his indecision and longing for freedom, and I just sucked it up and thought, well, now's the time to express myself. And I told him, "Ultimately, I love you and I want you to be happy." He nodded and said, "I know.")

Anyway, the letter, the money, was quite a shock. I don't know what to do. I was originally against the idea of getting any money from M at all, believing it's not good for the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. And do I contact him back to say thank you, or do I wait for when I talk to him in a week and a half?

Aside from that, several things were revealed to me:
1) that I'm still projecting my past situation onto this one, i.e. going into fear as soon as a saw the letter in my box. These are two different men, with different hearts. I have to stop thinking that M is anything like Frank. He's a different person.
2) going back to yesterday's theory, that it is quite possible that I am likeable and loveable and a man might actually want to be with me - do I even want to be with me? I guess that's the question. Maybe men pick up on how little I like myself.
3) I should probably go to therapy more frequently.

This morning, aside from having my usual M dreams, which I tried to cling to as tightly as possible because I had a sense it was a dream and this was the only chance I had to see him all day... I also dreamed about Frank. I was riding in some kind of golf cart, but it was a like a golf cart limousine, with more than just two rows of seats. I was in the front shotgun seat, and M was way in the back with some other people. We're riding along and I see Frank right there on the side of the rode, and I yell to the driver to slow down, pull over. And I yell out to Frank, and try to talk to him, but he refuses to look at me. After quite a bit of this the next part of the dream is he and I talking, and he is telling me how scared he is of me, and I am like, no kidding. I don't remember much more than that. Is that significant? Do you think I healed something there?

So, I still don't know anything. I don't know if I should use the money or not. I could use it-- it would help me out tremendously, but is it in the best interest of things between me and M? Will there still be a me and M? I want there to be, so I suppose I need to help co-create that, and if I want that, is it healthy for this money thing to be happening?

I have a lot to think about.

Love,
Duck

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