Dear Diary,

Well what the hell was I talking about. I don't even remember.

Today I slept way too much... I got up late and was kind of lying there musing, and the doorbell rang- it was a package from my mother. She sent me a sweatshirt. With no note or anything, just a sweatshirt in a box. I think she is feeling bad and maybe worried about me because of the whole M thing, and maybe she thought a sweatshirt would be just the thing to cheer me up! Perhaps it has magical powers. I don't know; I'll have to call her and thank her for it later.

Then I lay back down and fell back asleep, and woke up super, super late. Holy crap! This may have happened for one of two reasons, or both: 1) that yesterday was a very tough day for me physically, as well as emotionally, and my body actually needed the rest, or 2) I am getting stressed out about how much I have to do this week before I leave for my el grande voyage next Saturday. And, I still haven't heard back from someone I'm supposed to be staying with in the final week of my trip, which worries me somewhat.

Also, people all around here have been getting sick with colds, and maybe I am just reacting to some virus or whatever by sleeping a lot. Since I started my own business, I rarely get sick anymore- probably because I'm not cooped up in an office with people for hours and hours, and I can actually get enough sleep.

I got up, and started to work on more cleaning. I feel like I can't pack unless I clean. I can't think unless the place is clean. I can't figure out what I need, and what to do, with all this clutter about. So I started cleaning but the physical activity of moving around kicked off some severe cramps, and here I am, bed bound again... dammit.

The place is still pretty much a wreck, to the outside eye. The closets are much more organized though. I just have to organize these clothes, do some laundry, and then all will be well. If I am physically up to it, it shouldn't take long.

I have 10 days of "break" left, one therapy appt on Tuesday, a few days of work that should provide some extra cash, much organizing and packing to do, and an intention to have a good attitude about it all. I was feeling bad, that I kept "slipping"-- that I did things "wrong" with Frank and I better do them "right" with M, or the Universe is just going to keep punishing me. But then I had a thought- I am trying, and that should count for something. That last time, I refused to listen to anyone and had a lot of fear. That this time, I have made some important realizations, and I have intentions to be a different person. More connected to myself, and wanting to heal the triangulation issue with my mom and dad, even if only on the internal level... that's a big thing. And asking for help- through therapy, from friends, from the Universe. That's all I can do!

Yesterday during my meditation I tried to invision myself with a partner. I imagined that we were in a bubble and protected from all outside influences- parents, exes, etc.... and the thought came, "then I could finally let go, I could finally relax," and I cried because I realized I am NOT relaxed. I am so tense inside and so filled with fear. I don't trust anyone. That is the gist of my life, Diary, I don't trust anyone- not even myself.

Now that's something to work on.

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