long-awaited call from m [ 2007-11-16, 6:43 p.m. ]

Hi Diary,

Well, a lot has happened since we last spoke. I would have been updating right along, except, my computer died. This was quite devastating, of course, but not as much as you think. I took it to two repair places and it's now in the hospital, having surgery on the hard drive.

But as a result, I was truly in a void- no television, no computer, no sugar, and no M. There was a lot of time to purge my closets and clean my house, which I did, and a lot of time to look at myself, which I also did.

I went to therapy on Tuesday and worked on some of my anger around Alphie. My therapist's theory was that my anger at Alphie relates to the anger I have at my mother- at feeling used, not being seen, and experiencing somebody as "fake". That's my biggest issue with Alphie- I feel like he's a real fraud, and fools everyone that he is a nice person- but he really only cares about himself. My mother, well, she fooled everyone that she was so "nice", but behind closed doors, it was a different story.

That's what therapy is for, I guess.

Also, today was the day I was scheduled to speak with M. I was disappointed yesterday because I was so hoping he would miss me that he wouldn't wait another minute to call me. Just an example of how I set myself up for heartache.

This morning of course I woke up early. I was feeling anxious and gave myself time to cry and feel all my fear. I wanted to get it all out of my system before M called.

He did call this morning when he said he would.

It was a great conversation, seeming like both of us were excited to hear each other's voices. We filled each other in on some superficial subjects, like what was happening at work and with some other things. Touched lightly on the fact that we are both going to therapy and working on ourselves. Told jokes and laughed a lot, just like the days when we first connected and would talk on the phone for hours.

I don't know if M expected me to ask things like, "So what's happening with us?" but I had already decided not to go there. And I was delightfully surprised. I felt really happy just to talk to him and hear his voice, and like I was in the moment and not too worried. There was a point where he asked me if I got the check and I said, "Thank you, honey, that was really nice of you," I felt a little weird for calling him honey because he had not really called me a nickname. I told him I wasn't sure about cashing the check and I had to think about it. He said he had noted that it hadn't been cashed and he figured I was wrestling with taking the money.

We spoke for an hour and a half. M is aware that I am going away on my EVG, and he asked when I'd be back. I said I wasn't sure, as my original plan had been to go away for three weeks, but not having a place to stay for the third week might make me cut my stay down to two. He said to let him know- and we agreed that we would email back and forth when we could.

So, no talk of 'relationship' or what's happening, no defining or even making a plan to see each other, but I am okay with all of it. I am happy that he kept his promise and contacted me when he said he would (and I did thank him for that). I am happy that our conversation was so easy and joyful. I am happy that when we hung up, he did call me by my sweet nickname.

I am happy that M has this time to himself to figure out what he needs to. I realize you can only love somebody if you are free inside yourself. Otherwise you are always struggling to do what others expect of you and love becomes an obligation. I am willing to give it all a try. I am willing to believe that there is a chance for me, to give myself the freedom to love and be loved. I even believe that if it's not with this guy, I still will have the chance with someone else. I have to trust that the Universe will back me up on my intention, and I am doing the work, with therapy and my own personal insight, etc.

So, that's the story up to this point. I don't know if I'll be able to update while I'm away, but don't lose heart, Diary. When I come back I'll have a new computer and lots of stories to tell.

Till then, be good to yourself.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~