Dear Diary,

Hi, I'm back from EVG. It was quite chaotic and I'm not even sure what to think about it. It may have been a mistake. I might have done better if I just went and threw money down a hole.

Regardless, I am back, and my computer's broken, and all in all I have dropped another grand in the last two weeks to remedy various technical and life problems.

Also, while I was gone I didn't talk to M at all, but only emailed. At first the emails were very stale and driving me somewhat crazy, and I mentioned something about it, that I wanted to know what was REALLY going on with him... and he started writing more about his feelings, about having a hard time, etc.

But I am worried. Especially now, in the time when I am suffering from a significant amount of jetlag, and have a tendency to wake at 3 in the morning and play the worst case scenario vs. best case scenario game.

I'll just explain a bit here.

Worst case scenario, M wants to come over, get together, and when he shows up, he brings all my stuff over in a paper bag. That's when I know it's over and I go into a suicidal downward spiral because Diary, I am so fucking tired of being rejected. Really. Men can say to me over and over that I am wonderful and I deserve something wonderful but then where the fuck is this person I deserve, and why don't the guys I am with want to be that person?

Best case scenario, or something like it: M comes over and we have long meaningful glances and maybe hugging and kissing and maybe we pick up where we left off or at least start over again, albeit slowly.

But I don't know. Although the emails have been friendly, funny and feel pretty loving, there is no use of pet names or sweet nicknames, which in my book is always a sign.

I wasn't sure I should tell M I was back or wait till I went to therapy tomorrow. Red told me to call him right away otherwise my brain would continue to go crazy and sending out negative messages to the Universe. So I called him and of course he didn't answer so I had to leave a message. Then I felt like a dork for calling, and three hours have gone by, and I can't imagine what M is doing since he doesn't do much during the day, so instead I start to think he is avoiding me and that only spells trouble.

I guess it would be best to have some kind of interaction so I could at least KNOW something and get this torture over with. I don't know what will happen and if it's about not being sure and more waiting, I don't know if I can wait anymore.

I am pissed at Gail, as I was trying to talk to her about this and she insisted I call and ask him, "Well, do you want to be in a relationship or not?" And I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to say that since this whole thing had been about giving him space and it had only been about 5 weeks. She said, "Five weeks is a long time, and you want a relationship, so you better find out! It would drive me crazy if I were you."

It wasn't what she said as much as how she said it. Like her way is the only way. Actually, I read somewhere that it takes 8 weeks for a guy to decide if he misses you or not, and that's without any voice contact or anything.

Also, Gail's life is a mess and she has one of the most immature relationships I've ever witnessed, so I don't know who she is to talk. She's been waiting for her guy to get divorced for over 3 years, and I tried to point that out to her, but she just kept shoving her opinion of my situation down my throat. It made me angrier and angrier and I don't think I'll be talking to her about this anymore.

I've been desperately searching for someone I can talk to today, to no avail. And now I am just going crazy. I know this is a sick part of me but I just wish I had some support.

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