Dear Diary,

If I could just stay out of my head, I might be okay. But as you may have noticed, I have a tendency to go into a downward spiral or two.

It's okay though. This situation is bringing up all kinds of shit for me: triangulation, interference, rejection, abandonment, betrayal -- to name a few.

And it is what it is- who knows what will happen? M and I have talked for the past two days now. Just friendly talking, not about "us", and not making any plans to get together either. Mostly I am fine with it till someone like Red says, "You mean he didn't ask you what you're doing this weekend? That's lame." Which sent me back into my brain wondering if maybe M is seeing other women, which in theory is fine, but makes me feel crazy and rejected on the other hand. Now I feel pissed. Pissed at him, why aren't I enough, pissed at myself, pissed at God and the Universe for giving me what I asked for but not really giving me what I asked for. What I wanted.

So, here I am, exhausted (but with my repaired computer back, so, a plus at least) and leaking anger all over the place about many things.

One of the things that pissed me off (besides Gail, which I mentioned yesterday) is Emily making out with an engaged guy, and then telling me some story about how it's okay because they're seeing other people -- yeah right Emily, why do people get engaged if they're gonna see other people? Get a hold of yourself, whatever stories you have to tell yourself to make it okay- but it brought up my betrayal issues big time. The reason is because I know the guy, and once saw some emails his fiance wrote him, things like, "Hey gorgeous man..." things like I would write, to M. It just made me pissed, that he and Emily just did whatever, with neither one of them having respect for this woman who loves this guy, and she may never know about it, but still... if some guy who was dating Emily kissed another woman, you can bet I'd hear about it and be expected to feel sorry for her. But nobody wants to be responsible for what they put out into the Universe.

And I am just pissed at the situation I'm in, waiting, and feeling compared to others, or not worthy, or something. I guess this is my soup that I have to sit in, the shit I have to heal. But I am so tired of all this crap, of love being so elusive for me. SO TIRED.

I had therapy today, and of course worked on all this stuff. I don't know if I am getting better or not. I would like to think I am clearing away all the junk. One thing I do like about my therapist is that she is supportive of my desire to have M back, rather than taking one of these airy-fairy stances like, "well trust that you will get him if it's meant to be and if not someone better will come along blah blah blah" she says it's okay to ask for what you want, which makes sense. It kind of seems contradictory that people who tout the secret say, focus on what you want and visualize it and focus and focus, but then a lot of the same people who are into all that say don't be attached. It leaves me not knowing what to think.

I'm home earlier than I thought I would be, so I have some time to recover from jetlag, and rework my website and also advertise for some events, so that's all good. Tomorrow I'll be chilling all day and maybe doing some of that.

M has been calling me usually a couple times a day, like before, but I'm wondering if I should just take some time for myself tomorrow. I guess I shall see. It's rather weird not knowing anything about the holidays, or his birthday that is coming up, or if we will be spending any of that time together. But, on the advice of a friend, I asked for a voice to speak to me while I was sleeping and tell me what to do about this situation. Someone in my dream said to me, "Leave everything in the care of M," and, not really knowing what that meant, I talked to a couple of people I trust and they agreed that it meant, don't do anything- let him make the first move. Just give him space and be myself, be loving if I feel like being loving, take space if I need that, etc. But don't try to help him.

I know that 4 weeks is not a long time at all. I know that he cares about me, I know that he could very well date/have sex with other women and feel fulfilled or unfulfilled, it may not mean anything. Maybe it's about me giving up control, I don't know. Maybe it's about me needing to look at all this anger I've been sitting on, I don't know.

At any rate, I'm pretty exhausted, life is exhausting.

Love,
Duck

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