Dear Diary,

Well, yesterday was another tough one. I felt very sick indeed but managed to drag myself to the acupuncturist's - I was shocked that I was able to stand upright and make myself look halfway decent. It seemed to help a bit, and I even went to a couple of stores looking for a DVD for M- a classic cult movie he'd never seen before and he watched for the first time with me. I know he liked it a lot and I knew I'd seen it at one of the pharmacies near Emily's house for like 10 bucks, but I couldn't find it yesterday.

So then I went out to lunch at a diner pretty close to my house. I had turkey and mashed potatoes since I missed the whole thanksgiving thing here a few weeks ago. It was all right.

Then I came home and did very little. I was once again feeling very agitated and upset that I still had no word from M. I tried to pray and calm myself but it didn't work as well as last time. Emily had wanted to get together for dinner, but I just texted her and said I had cramps and I couldn't go. I don't know if she was upset or not, but I really don't want to see her. I'm still pretty upset about her make-believe romances. Don't ask me why I just can't let go, I guess I just need a break from her.

I was feeling so crappy and upset that I lay down about 5:30pm. I told myself to just let go of the thought that M would even call. I slept fitfully, woke up when the phone rang at about 9:30pm. I called Red and cried and cried and told him how I was feeling. That I GET IT, I see now how my own patterns and holding back have created many of these dynamics in my life. But is it necessary to lose ANOTHER GUY, a good one, to teach me some lesson? It makes me pissed.

Red was sympathetic and supportive and suggested that I call M and challenge him, challenge him to commit to himself. Men always think they just need space and time to "figure it out"- that if they just have those things, they can fix everything with their brain. Instead they just find more distractions and don't do anything differently. I know that's what Frank did- he never went to therapy or tried anything different- he just stayed at home or hung around with the same people who told him the same stuff.

He suggested that I encourage M to expand his horizons, do harder work than what he's doing (his old therapist that is not very challenging) and tell him how I feel. I didn't know what to think about this. I felt like I gave my word about giving M lots of space. Isn't he supposed to pursue me? But Red pointed out that this method is not working for me. I am putting myself through the emotional wringer on a daily basis.

I slept some more, fitfully, of course, waking up really early, of course- guess I should stop going to bed at 6pm? And awoke this morning still not sure what to do. Just replaying various scenarios in my head, which is dangerous.

So finally I decided to choose a card, Gail had given me some sort of divination deck last year for my birthday. The one I chose was "Golden Opportunity- Do It Now!" So, I called M. At first I thought I called the wrong number and had to look at my phone to make sure- his voice sounded so weird. Turns out he is sick in bed, was asleep when I called. I asked him if he wanted to go back to bed and he said yes he would call me later.

So that was it.

I wanted to ask him if he would be willing to have lunch with me tomorrow, or maybe even on Monday. Since he sounds pretty ill maybe Monday is the more likely possibility. But anyway we can't even have that conversation until he calls me back.

Sometimes I get so much advice from all over, and I don't know what to do. I have a hard time feeling into myself and figuring out what's okay. I worry that if I make the wrong decision, I will screw it all up. And obviously, I go through a lot of pain. But I realized that M and I only agreed not to talk for three weeks, and then we called and emailed, and were talking by phone again, and we never really spoke about if there was a desire to keep talking, or a need for more space. So things are very unclear for me. And I guess that's part of the conversation we could have.

I also want to talk to him about the check he sent me. I also just want to have a real conversation, I guess. Friendliness is okay but it's like there is a big elephant in the room, as they say. Something should be addressed sometime, I guess even for my own sanity. I have a habit of setting the standards very high about what I should be able to endure emotionally.

Sometimes I feel so worn out that I'm not even sure what I feel anymore. I'm not sure if it's love or fear that propels me. I guess it's important to figure that out.

Love,
Duck

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