a great opportunity [ 2007-12-07, 1:40 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

M called back. And we talked a bit, then the conversation took a serious turn. M said there were some things he wanted to talk to me about.

He said he realized some things. That as soon as we started talking on the phone again, he felt that same sense of obligation and responsibility for me. That the days we didn't talk, he worried that he was letting me down, being a disappointment, etc.

He doesn't want to live like that, with his energy focused outward, taking responsibility for someone else. It made me sad to hear that he can't even interact with me without feeling like his energy is leaking out. I tried to remember that it's not me, it's his own habit and pattern.

I voiced some of my concerns. I said I had wanted to meet him for lunch, but that now it seemed like not a good idea as it doesn't seem he can contain himself when he is around me or talking to me. I brought up the check, and my confusion around it. He said he wanted to give me that money, and maybe it was a bit of a rescue thing, since he has a habit of being a rescuer. I said I would like to take the money but wanted to work for it. He said he was okay with that, but I'm not sure how that can work if we don't see each other.

We talked about what he has been wrestling with and then I think he felt like too much focus was being put on him, his problems, and he got triggered because he felt I was telling him what to do. So he asked me what I wanted. I expressed my desire to have space between us with no interference. I apologized for triggering him, saying it was not my intention to boss him around, I just believe in him so much.

It was obvious he had become a little tense so we spent a few moments breathing together over the phone. Then I asked if I could put my hand on his heart, energetically. He paused a minute but then said okay. We did that for a while and I told him I appreciate him.

Afterward we tried to hash out what to do next. I said we could take another break, or pick times when we would talk so it would not feel like an obligation. M said he had a lot going on including an exam on the 21st of December, and he wanted to keep his head clear until then. So we decided we would talk on Christmas, and his birthday, and New Year's. This was incredibly painful to decide and to negotiate, much less think about.

M said that the foundation for him was that we remain friends- whether we become lovers again or whatever- but that I stay in his life. He says I am an amazing person with a beautiful heart and great sense of humor.

Yeah, I know, I've heard that so many times before. (Maybe it's true?)

I remember Frank had this intention for us to remain friends. It's so easy for the person who wants the breakup, but not for the other person who feels like their whole world is crashing around them.

I didn't mention this to M. I don't want to become full of bitterness about him like I have with so many of my other lovers. But we will just have to see, how it works out, and if I can stand to be around him. For now anyway there are many days of not talking, so I guess I have a lot of time to think about all that inside.

Of course when I hung up the phone I felt stunned. I imagined myself at Christmas, feeling depressed and despondent. I imagined my sister Delia sending me money so I could come and visit her, like she did when Frank and I didn't work out.

But then I thought of my friend B, who earlier this year was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'd never seen anyone with such a positive attitude in my life. While my first reaction was, "Oh no!" He kept saying, over and over again, "This is a great opportunity- an adventure!" And wouldn't you know, the guy had the easiest brain surgery ever. The surgery took 3hrs less than they anticipated, and the surgeons said, "It just slid right out," also he was out of the hospital 2 days earlier than they thought, as well as taking very little of the painkillers they prescribed. I know B did a lot of positive visualization and his positive attitude never wavered. When I asked him if it was okay if I invited people to pray for him, he replied that he only wanted people to know who could really keep that positive energy- he didn't want anyone's negative energy to interfere with his healing.

So, I thought, there are a couple of ways I could do this. I could be despondent and take it personally and feel hopeless. Or I could look at this as a positive opportunity. That the man I love and care about is taking care of himself, healing his childhood wounds and reclaiming his own energy. That now I have plenty of time to work on my own stuff and do the same. That at the end, we will both be stronger people. There was a lot of love and appreciation in M's voice for me the whole phone conversation, so I do not doubt that he cares for me. He said he has never felt so unconditionally loved by anyone, and that when he makes these decisions he wonders if he is a complete fool.

Well, I don't know. I guess we all have choices in life, and suffering is a choice. In a way I chose not to suffer anymore by calling M this morning and finding out what's up. Now I can choose to suffer, which I do very well, or I can do something very different for me, which is to embrace a new perspective.

I know I fall down a lot, Diary, and go into those dark places of questioning my own worth. But I can look at that as opportunities as well. Maybe I will forget sometimes and I will be back here crying and whining. I'm not saying that's not possible- nothing is that simple.

But I can try.

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