Dear Diary,

Happy Weekend. Things have been up and down, of course.

When I wrote yesterday I had the notion that I go into manic states, "I'm going to do everything possible, I am going to work hard so it will work for me," and this energy does not always last. I caught myself several times going into my sadness and into my thinking, and told myself again and again that the situation I have now is a great opportunity.

I got ready to go out, taking lots of time to do my hair and makeup, and went to meet a friend and her mom that are in town visiting. They wanted to go to an expensive, but not very good restaurant in a ritzy part of the city. Okay- you're the visitors, we'll do what you want.

While walking to the restaurant, I just felt numb. I could barely feel my body. I didn't know if the feeling would ever come back to me. When I saw my friend and her mom and daughter, I had to put on my happy face. We had dinner and Amy (my friend) asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said, "sort of" and told them we were on a break. When Amy took her daughter to the bathroom, I turned to Amy's mom, who incidentally used to babysit me when I was little (they have been old friends of my family for years), and said, "Can you do me a favor?"

Amy's mom thought I was going to ask her to move, or something, but I said, "Can you pray for me?"

"Oh, honey, sure! You really want this to work out, don't you?"

Yes. Yes I do.

After dinner I met up with Red and some of his friends to see a play. It was a pretty lame play, but it only cost $10 so I guess I can't complain. I was feeling tired and also sad. I left as soon as the play was over. Came home, went right to bed.

Woke up at 5am and my heart hurt so much, I cried a lot. I guess this can still be a positive thing- it's still an opportunity- an opportunity to feel everything I feel, not hold it in, and heal what needs to be healed for me. Finally fell asleep again, and talked to Red when I woke up. Lots more tears and theory about being present, feeling what I feel and having the right perspective. We're going to the movies soon. I am lucky to have such a supportive big brother.

My friend X finally picked up the phone and got an earful as well. It was obvious she didn't know what to say, but I could tell she was trying to be positive and supportive. She's got a young kid too so I know it was a big deal to spend some time with me. I probably wore her out, but, what can you do. I'm grateful for her.

Well, that's it for now.

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