Dear Diary,

Last night went out with Red. He pretty much canceled his whole day's plans to take me to a movie and then have dinner. I am so grateful for that.

We have a game where we choose a random movie to see and trust that that movie has a message for us. We saw "Margot At The Wedding" which was about a dysfunctional family (of course- are there any other kinds of families?) and there were a few things that stood out for me. There is a point where Jack Black says, "Expectations lead to disappointments." So I REALLY heard that. Also, the husband/wife couple of Nicole Kidman and John Turturro- the nicer he acted, the more she hated herself. Interesting dynamic. Reminded me of M and myself, where the more loving and doting I am to him, the worse and more guilty he feels because he's not "matching" my devotion and love and energy. Something to look at.

Then we had dinner, which I hardly ate, and Red spent most of the meal telling dumb jokes and trying to cheer me up. It worked a little bit. And then he said, "I just got a message from the Universe! I don't know who it's going to be, but you will have love in your life by May 2008, and it will be better than ever." That lightened my heart from the hopelessness I have been feeling- ok, ok Red, I'm happier now.

What all this has done is put things in a new perspective and helped give me a little more hope. I don't know what's going to happen, but now when I get really mental about it, I usually am able to stop myself in the middle of my fantasy. Trying to stay in what's real.

I have been fluctuating about many things. When I spoke to M on Friday, he expressed that it was hard to be around me/talk to me on the phone because he just felt like he was losing himself all the time. We agreed to talk on 3 specific days over the next 4 weeks. He said he didn't want to be lovers "for now". He said he felt okay about keeping in contact via email. I felt very calm when in the moment on the phone, but very easily break down when I am alone.

On Friday night I was seriously doubting I could do any of that. Why does it always seem I am waiting for men to decide if they want to be with me? I started to feel that maybe it was better to cut myself off from him completely. He said no matter what, he wants to maintain the friendship, whether we are lovers again or whatever. But I know that if we are not lovers, the friendship thing is not going to work for me. I will just be pining after him and he will be getting all the parts he wants from me with none of his pain. But I would be in pain.

So Friday night I deleted him from my email list. Then Saturday I woke up and saw a really funny thing that I wanted to send to him. I started to doubt my feelings of Friday and wonder if it would be in my best interest to maintain friendship and contact.

Aargh! A little frustrating, don't you think?

I called my therapist and had a short conversation with her. She said that one of our goals in therapy can be to figure out what is best for ME. I told her I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep the agreements about calling on the holidays and his birthday. She reminded me that those events are actually several weeks away and I don't have to make that decision yet.

I guess I don't have to make any decision just yet. I can still send him something cute via email next week if I want to. But I guess since I am so confused, it is best not to do anything till I am clear.

I set my MySp@c3 page to private. I have had a feeling that M has been visiting that page. He used to have a real MySp@c3 profile, but after FMM left him, he deleted it. I know he has one fake profile that is pretty goofy, and he is actually one of my friends on my page with that profile (I am actually his only friend on that profile, besides Tom!).

I imagine he has other profiles that I don't know about, and those are the pages he has been using to view me. By setting my profile to private, he can only use the goofy "friend" profile and I can also see if he's been online viewing me. It was a sneaky move on my part but I figure at this point, it's only fair. He says he doesn't want to see or speak to me, but he can go online and view me anytime he wants without me knowing?- it was starting to bug me and felt like "stealing". So what. Now I can see where he's been. I have actually considered deleting him from my friends' list so he can't view me at all.

Also I was wondering about my "relationship status" in my profile description. It has read "in a relationship" for the longest time. But I guess I am not "in a relationship" anymore. If somebody has told me, "I don't want you as a girlfriend for now," it pretty much means that now, I don't have a boyfriend. I know it may not seem like a very big deal. But when Frank and I separated for a month and a half, I hardly told anyone. I went through life hoping I could hide the fact that my boyfriend didn't want to see or talk to me. I pretended we were still dating, and when people would ask about him, I would talk about him like we just spoke yesterday. Or I would just avoid people so I didn't have to talk about it.

So I feel there is something about coming clean with the Universe here. And, to let M see it as well. I don't know if it's so easy to let me go, and to see that now I am "Single" and if that will have any effect on him at all. But also if he thinks I am just waiting and waiting for him, it won't feel like a real loss for him. Maybe he has to feel like he's lost me to make a decision. Maybe it won't matter, because he's just too scared to be with anyone.

Regardless, I was aware that the decision to change that label would need to be about myself and what I needed rather than to play some game and evoke a response in him. I did change it, only because I told myself I have to let him go. It doesn't serve me to cling to these men, hanging on for dear life. I know I should have let go of Alphie much sooner than I did. And I tell myself that the sooner I let go, the sooner a much deeper love can come to me. Whether it's M returning with a stronger passion or some other man.

I have been pondering my epiphany of yesterday where I have been trying to sort out whether I've been holding onto M out of love or fear. Yes, I believe there is both. I think he is one of the most amazing people I've ever met, talented and smart and funny and sexy.

I am also afraid. I'm afraid that he is the only one for me, and if I don't hold on, if I lose him, that's it for me. I am a weirdo with a hyper-active intellect, intense emotional makeup and an off the charts sex drive and it's hard to find somebody that matches that. How can it be that there could be anyone else for me?

But, if I hold on out of fear, I only continue to draw toward me what fear creates. Everyone around me feels the vibration of my fear and I attract others who are afraid, men who are terrified of intimacy, etc. etc.

So I'm choosing love. The idea that I am loving and I deserve great love. My love capacity is so great, that sometimes that in itself frightens away those who aren't ready for it. So what. My frequency of love will attract someone who is really ready, who really wants to love and be loved.

The fear will most likely come up every now and then, as that's what fear does best. But that will be another goal I have to work on it therapy- removing fear.

Blah, blah blah.

Also, I wrote Alphie an email. The training is next week and since he obviously didn't get the idea of what "giving me space" means the last time, I wrote him a very nice email requesting that he drop off and pick up Grace at the end of the driveway or at least stay out of the classroom when I am there. I explained that this was about me trying to work on my stuff and it wasn't personally about him, and I would greatly appreciate it if he could support me in this. So, I imagine he will comply but we shall see.

That is all for now.

Love,
Duck

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