what I see in myself [ 2007-12-10, 2:08 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

What I see in myself is an inability to self-soothe. I find myself in a state of anxiety and panic, going deeper and deeper into worry and fear, until there's no logic anymore.

I am not so different than M. While he loses his energy while I'm around, I lose my energy the most when he is gone.

It seems I need someone around constantly to let me know I'm okay. When that's not happening, I have no foundation or base to feel into.

Last night Red suggested that I look at my neediness around M- that rather than pull him toward me, it most assuredly repulses him. He suggested that under this neediness is great fear, fear of abandonment. No doubt- I think we've established that, Diary...

I even find myself clinging to Red now. It seems he can only truly be the support that I need every other day. When I talk to him the following day, it seems like he is trying to redirect my desire to talk about M or go into any emotional places. I must be burning him out. M has previously mentioned that I have an intensity that burns him out-his stuff or mine, I don't know.

I remember a colleague of mine telling me about a practitioner he was seeing, and was really helping him with, fears and issues about being in relationship. So I shot him an email and asked for the info for this practitioner. It seems they do something with muscle testing, I'm not sure how it works. But I called and made an appointment. I was told the practitioner was booked for the next couple of weeks, but she had one opening tomorrow. Even though it means I'll be missing the first dance class of the semester, you can bet that I jumped on that appointment for tomorrow morning, Diary!

So, although I don't feel completely calm, I do feel a little better. My epiphany, my theory of a couple days ago, was fairly correct- this is about love vs. fear. The fear presents itself as doubt, anxiety, and neediness. I have identified the problem, and now I am working toward a solution- and elliciting help to do so. Although Red says I don't have to "do" anything, that I can just sit and meditate and connect to Spirit, etc., I feel like I need help from others. That every process I go through and every practice I embrace helps me get more and more clear, and also shows my intention to move and heal whatever is holding me back.

I didn't even ever really know I was so afraid! It is so easy to blame someone else for things not working out. But apparently, on some level I am deeply terrified.

But now I have a deeper awareness of this terror and from there, it can only get better as far as I'm concerned. Once I am able to see something, I am not the type to let it keep haunting me.

So as for today, I'm not sure what I'll do. Inez sent out a mass email, apparently she is really sick and unable to do much for herself. Although I feel very exhausted and unable to do much for myself (and the piles of dirty dishes and filthy bathroom may attest to that) I wrote her back and said I may be able to help her at some point.

If I don't help Inez I may try to clean up around here, and also I should probably get out and go for a walk.

Thanks for listening.

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