Dear Diary,

Whew, what a ride the past 24 hours have been. Yesterday after writing that entry I went to the practitioner I mentioned, that I liked very much. It was a little weird, talking about stuff and then her tapping on my back, but, my colleague SWEARS that this work changed his life- and I've seen a huge transformation in him, so I'm going to believe in it.

Afterward I had lunch, stopped at the bank and the library, and then headed over to therapy. I didn't do much but cry, really even though my therapist was trying to find/make a point of some kind, I'm not sure if I was really there to get it. I just felt, more than anything, a huge release of pent up emotion, especially from my neck and shoulders. One feeling that came up was this disbelief, how M could not want to talk to me or be around me, and my therapist said this is connected to the disbelief of a young child that my mother didn't love me. I dunno, but stuff seems to be moving, so I'm not going to question it too deeply.

I then came home for only an hour to get ready for work, which was okay. I saw my colleague that recommended the treatment, and told him that I'd gone. I also told him where M and I were at, and asked if he would pray for me. He said he would, and seemed generally concerned about me, putting his arm around me. Before I left to go home, he said, "I love you just the way you are," which was really nice to hear. Rather than tuck this away from everybody, I've decided to ask the people I trust to pray for me, just because I feel like I need all the help I can get, wherever this is going.

Rather than react and respond to what X wrote the other day, I just cut and pasted some of yesterday's entry to her- and I did thank her for loving me so much, and commiserated that I knew it was frustrating her, and it certainly was frustrating ME- so we were together on that one.

Last night I got into an argument with my sister Delia. Most people think she is pretty much a bitch, her delivery is quite awful- she always sounds so angry. So she asked me what was going on with me and M, and when I told her- she had criticisms- much like X. Then it turned into this whole OTHER monster of a conversation because I said I did not want opinions of what people think, I just want to be supported. This enrages Delia to no end, because it's her belief that family has the RIGHT to tell you what they think because they care about you and "what hurts you hurts me." She even went as far to compare me to her mentally ill sister in-law, who makes poor choices about taking care of her kid, and needs to be told and corrected. I was not understanding the comparison, it was as if my sister is saying I'm making stupid choices? It's not like I'm endangering the welfare of a child, or even myself, really- sure, maybe some heartache, but who doesn't have some of that? The most ironic part was her insisting that I am triggered by her tone "because of stuff that happened when we were kids" - yet, she cannot see that she is just triggered by where I am- it's not her stuff to feel, whether she cares about me or not!

At any rate, the whole thing just felt like too much to process with where I'm at right now- physically and emotionally exhausted, trying to take care of myself and figure out what's best for me. We came to some sort of calmer place but I have realized that a) Delia is solely focused on being right and cannot handle being otherwise, and b) she feels incredibly guilty about how she treated me when we were children and projects it onto me by accusing me of having a grudge (actually telling me what I think). - Whatever, that is ages old, and I can't fix it right now...!

Red did call to check in on me only now I was all in a mess of tears because of the conversation with my sister. Poor Red. I am just constantly slobbering all over him. He told me that it's like I'm speaking Japanese and she's speaking Chinese- to an untrained eye they might look similar, but they're not. Obviously.

I must have gone to bed at 1am and I woke up before 7am with something in my craw. It was dawning on me- had M and I really broken up? It occurred to me that it was not clear. Sure he had said he couldn't be lovers "right now" and in a moment of centered calm I had changed my profile to "single" on MySp@c3. But, I realized, was that what he had said? And if we were, in fact, broken up, then what was the point of calling him on the holidays, or waiting till after the New Year to see him, or any of that? I mean, what was I waiting for?

Of course I didn't know what to do, because I never do, and I wanted to ask all kinds of people/spirit what the right thing to do was. But one of the things I worked on with Kate yesterday (the practitioner) was being okay with making choices and not being deathly afraid of making mistakes all the time. For instance, I was so worried that I have to make the right choices in how I contact M/what I say/following the rules because if I do the wrong thing I will ruin everything.

But somehow I was able to breathe and connect to my heart and convince myself that it was okay to ask for clarity- I deserved it. That I had given M plenty of space and it was okay to ask for something for myself. So I text messaged him and said I needed to talk to him about something I was not clear on re: our conversation on Friday, and could he text me back a good time to call or just call me this morning. He texted back that he would call me in an hour. I started to clean the house, and feel angry and defensive- with all the things I planned to say running in my head. I saw where I was going and changed direction. I wrote a little more on my gratitude list. I lay on my bed and cried, shaking my body and trying to stay with the pain I felt in my back, behind my heart. I said a prayer to the Universe that I wanted to show up in my heart for this conversation and I asked for help. I rubbed rose oil on my chest to increase the vibration of love in my body.

He called me about 9am and I asked him. I referred back to the conversation on Friday and said, "I'm not really clear, are we broken up, or are we in this place of unknown,wait-and-see? For instance, when people ask about us, do you say we're taking a break and we don't know, or do you say we're broken up? Because if you say the second one then it seems you're really clear, but you haven't been really clear with me. And I just need to know- for myself."

M said that he was still in a place of not knowing, and he had been saying the first one. I said I was okay being in a place of not knowing if he was too. But if he knew something (such as, he was really clear we were broken up) and hadn't told me, then I was not okay with that. But he assured me he is still very very unclear.

He also said that he worries about me, about me being sad, and also that he might be wasting my time, holding me back with his indecision. And also, that he could be in this place for a long time. I did solemnly swear to him that I would be responsible for myself- I assured him that I am taking care of myself, that even asking this question was a way I was taking care of myself. That I would do what I needed. And I also said that I was fully supportive, and realized that this is probably the most self-caring thing he's ever done for himself, and I am glad for that. He seemed really surprised when I told him that, and very grateful that I said that. I told him I can still take care of myself even when I am sad. This I know is true- this is what I'm learning.

He told me about lots of stuff that came up for him, that he had a breakdown of sorts after our conversation on Friday, and skipped some classes, and then went out to dinner with some friends and told them about some painful things in his childhood- that is very unlike him, and so good for him to open up. It is like we are both cracking open, spilling out all this garbage that's been hidden for ages and ages. It's so crazy! And, such a blessing, in a way, I guess, no matter what happens.

Then he had to go, and said, "I'll talk to you later," - I really didn't know what that meant and just paused - and he said, "Maybe we don't have to be as strict as we talked about on Friday. That was just overwhelming." And we hung up on good terms.

Now I am sitting here, updating, procrastinating on packing for the training tomorrow and for my presentation tonight, because, you know, this is my work, really- my soul work- and I need to write it all down.

Till later -

Duck

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