early morning entry [ 2007-12-13, 5:49 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

What I decided to do was go to sleep right away, and wake up at 5am to pack and get ready. I guess the house doesn't have to be spic and span when I leave- although I usually like to have it that way when I'm gone for a few days.

Of course when I wake up, I'm thinking of you-know-who. I am obsessed! I don't know if other people have this problem. I would just like to be able to be clear, and reasonably happy. I still know that I am learning through all this, I just wish it wasn't so painful sometimes. I guess it has to be though so I will really pay attention. I don't think I was working this hard when Frank and I split up. I think I was more about distracting myself, and just hoping and begging people to tell me an answer I wanted to hear. Well all those psychics said he was coming back, but he didn't. Although maybe his attempts at contacting me were warm-ups for him to come back, and they didn't look or feel how I wanted them to so that's why that prophecy didn't happen.

At any rate you can bet I'm not wasting time and money on that now. I'm throwing money into therapy etc- I guess just trying to make me feel better, but ultimately to figure this whole thing out. I don't know what I want. I feel that I want M back, but I want him back whole and happy, at peace with himself, and I want him to want to be with me. Otherwise it just won't work- we'll be back where we were before, with him having mini-meltdowns- either alone or in my presence-- and me always worrying that he doesn't want to be there.

So it's just not possible to be any other way right now. It's good to see it written out that way, at least it makes sense. And I want to have myself- confident and feeling beautiful.

I guess what might need to happen, is for us to meet in person and see what that feels like. Maybe it will feel awkward, or maybe we won't be able to resist each other. Maybe LilyB is right; the further along I am on my path, if he's not moving forward too, we will no longer vibrate. On one level that would actually be a relief- either that he rises to meet me, or that I no longer have the desire to be where he is, waiting.

I know I'm on the right path, but it's a painful one and I kind of wish the healing process would move along a little faster. Not to mention that I am feeling very, very drained on a physical and emotional level.

Okay, have to finish up the packing now. Don't know if I'll be able to update this weekend, but I'll try.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~