long row to hoe [ 2007-12-12, 11:49 p.m. ]

Hi Diary,

I am so not liking myself right now. I have an early morning flight and still have to pack, and clean quite a bit. I didn't at all figure out what I need to bring for the training and the presentation I'm giving over the weekend, so I've got to figure all that out. Now. When my brain is exhausted.

I saw LilyB for dinner, it was nice to see her. We didn't have time for a massage. I asked her if she thought I was stupid, to be thinking that M could possibly change and want what I want within the span of a few months.

I mean, I want to be in relationship, and live together. Here he is struggling with his identity and being fused to another person. How are we supposed to get from there to here?

LilyB said I wasn't stupid, that people change all the time. And that the main thing was I keep working on myself. That either the change in me would inspire M to change, too, to be with me-- or, eventually our vibrations would change so much that I would no longer be attracted to him. Sounds freeing.

I am exhausted, and yes, a little disappointed that he didn't call me tonight. I guess I thought he would, after our conversation today. But there are a lot of factors. Maybe he's tired too, maybe he's still working on his stuff- I need to stick to my guns and support him in taking space so he can figure it out, maybe-- maybe it will all be different if/when we see each other in person. Who knows? Just right now I am a little sad.

It seems it's a long row to hoe. I have been telling M about all the different therapies and techniques I am excited about, in the hopes that he would try something different. He always says that he is "thinking" about them, but all he seems to do is go to his same therapist that does the same thing. I feel like if he doesn't do something really different, he's not really going to change, and I start to get worried, and frustrated. I guess that's one of the things I have to let go of, that's something to talk to Kate about next week. I want to stop worrying about what he's doing (or not doing) in terms of his personal work, and just trust that he's doing the work he needs to do so he can maintain himself, or whatever the goal is.

I know part of the reason I am feeling so bad is because I am tired. It seems no matter what time I go to bed, I wake up very early, usually with some thoughts about M, worry. I have a long row to hoe myself.

I don't know anything.

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