FROM 12/16 3:27 PST

Dear Diary,

Well for the past few days I have been away from home, going to my training and seeing some friends. So much seems to be going on, it's hard to know where to start.

On the first day I arrived, Serena called me and told me that Alphie had some sort of attack/collapse in class, and had to be taken to the hospital by paramedics. I have to say that the first thing that I thought of was that Alphie and Grace have been "partying" a lot, and most likely using all kinds of substances, and it's my suspicion that this is why he collapsed. He has been sedated in the hospital for several days. Even though I had requested that he stay away from me, I figured this was an emergency. So I left Grace messages and texts and told her I would come to the hospital, did she need anything, I wanted to support her, etc. She never really responded directly to these offers- instead she has been texting me updates on his condition (not much has changed) but she doesn't seem to want me to come, because she never mentions that part.

It's okay, really. Truthfully I am not that worried. I feel that Alphie will be fine and I do hope this might inspire him to take a look at his drug use. But I didn't really at anytime feel overwhelmed or scared or anything. I might just be burnt out on the drama of Alphie. Also, I might be so overwhelmed by trying to process what's been going on with M and I, and stuff like that, that I just don't have the energy for this. I'm not sure. Overall I am quite exhausted.

Still have not heard a peep from M-- although our conversation on Wednesday was good and he seemed to imply that we didn't need to be so strict about talking to one another, I haven't reached out to him since I'm still trying to respect his space. He seems to need quite a bit. Today I was actually feeling a palpable disappointment in him as a man. I know I am very tired and a bit grouchy, not having slept well in the last several days.

I've also been having anxiety attacks. I believe this is from eating something with cane sugar in it. I guess cane sugar is just as bad for me as white sugar, as I experience quite an unsettling feeling of anxiety on the days when I eat it. This includes a racing of my heart and numbness/tingling down my arms.

I guess there is not much to say at this point, it is just another day flowing by, and I have to do the best I can with it. I might take a nap, and then I have a phone session in an hour or so. Maybe update later.

Love,
Duck

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