tired, chillin' and skinny [ 2007-12-19, 1:00 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Today I was so exhausted, recovering from this insane weekend, no doubt, that I could hardly get out of bed. I slept in and out until 11:30am.

But I had lots of things to do, like wrap and mail gifts to Delia, even though she shoots her opinions all over me and I'm kind of mad at her right now -- and prepare for a presentation, even though it might have been considered a flop because one of my potential clients walked right out-- and, go to therapy of course.

Therapy was amazing today because I actually felt better walking out than I did when going in. I do believe this has never happened before. Huh. I told my therapist about last Wednesday, and this weekend, and all the ups and downs- being excited and then disappointed, Alphie in the hospital, etc.

She pointed out that it's pretty normal for me NOT to have a reaction to Alphie and his problems, seeing as how he didn't really treat me very well. And she also seemed very impressed with my relaying of the conversation with M, and how I commended him on taking time for himself. She pointed out that he is still connected to me, as he hadn't actually broken up with me, and that although we are in some kind of weird, amorphous relationship-type thing that has no name (kind of like a horse with no name) it's still some kind of connection/relationship, because when asked directly- it was an "I don't know," not a "broken up".

I guess I've been afraid to hope for the best, and kind of trying to brace myself for the other shoe to fall, but she does have a point. I am really getting that whatever problems M has are really not about me- okay, I get sad a lot and think HOW can he not call me/contact me at all... doesn't he miss me... but then... the way he describes that trouble in the relationship, that he thinks about me all the time at the expense of himself... well, he thinks about me all the time. So maybe he was thinking about me more than I realized.

I guess the most important thing for me is not to try to make this look like anything. Right now it is a big weird blobby non-descript kind of thing, and I guess I'm all right with that. Not everyone is- like Delia- but that's okay. Nobody else needs to know.

Today Emily came to my presentation just to help fill up the room. I guess today wasn't so great in the world of business. But it's close to the holidays and things are difficult anyway. I guess I'm done till the new year, unless some consultations come up. So I suppose I'll just relax and maybe take some dance classes.

Oh. I forgot to mention, I've gotten quite skinny. I'm not sure how it happened, but I think I've lost quite a bit of weight from not eating sugar. I now fit in my skinny jeans. Stacey is in town and she says I am wasting away. I don't think it's from the "break", although I haven't had much of an appetite. Usually my eyes are bigger than my stomach and I end up eating half of my meal. Stacey insisted I am too skinny and she made me eat a cheeseburger.

I really don't know where I'm at since I don't own a scale. I'm thinking about going back to the gym, might as well gain some muscle tone as long as I'm losing fat. GymMan told me he wanted me to lose 10 pounds, that was at the beginning of the summer. Hmm. But all this won't be till after the holidays, since it's pointless to go now. I figured I'd just save everything, including waxing and getting my eyebrows done, until the new year. I mean really, as long as I'm not working and in a weird undescribable (non) relationshippy-type thing, I guess I can chill for a while.

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