end of the day [ 2007-12-20, 9:03 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Much activity today despite exhaustion. I seem to suffer from a particular phenomenon that looks like this: if I have to get up early in the morning, I often have trouble falling asleep the night before. Perhaps just some anxiety about needing to get up in the morning.

At any rate, I was still tossing and turning at about 3:30am, so I got up and took a shower, knowing full well I probably wouldn't feel like it on just a few hours sleep. I was hoping that I could somehow wash away all the niggling thoughts in my busy brain as well.... sometimes it just feels like I'm THINKING too much.

I lay back down at about 4am and was awake for quite awhile. I think all in all I got 1.5hr of sleep before getting up at 7am for my morning appointment with Kate. My hair was still wet- which was an awful feeling.

The appointment went well. We talked about my fears/anxieties one by one- I actually felt embarrassed sometimes about how obsessively fearful I can be. But I realized that all these fears come from such a young place... that for my whole life I have just been trying to hold myself together. Then it felt better to just think I was releasing these things. I can't remember everything, and toward the end it seemed that Kate was getting concerned and putting her own twist on things- that shouldn't I focus on having power in my life? Making decisions, rather than having them made for me? I said that was appealing, and even in this situation I would like to be able to stand by my choices- whether my choice be wait-and-see, move on, etc. etc. So even though I can't remember everything, I'm trusting that my body does, and shifts are taking place, and that the intention I put out into the Universe to heal and grow and have confidence is steadily locking into place.

After my appointment I met up with Stacey, who is here visiting. We took the bus to see her friend Rhett, and had a really great breakfast, a very long hike, a little shopping in Rhett's cute town, and a break in a restaurant so Stacey and Rhett could have wine. I stayed until about 6:30pm but by then my energy was really flagging, having survived the whole day on minimal sleep.

On the way home I called Russell, and had a really nice conversation with him. He filled me in a bit on Alphie- that they believe the collapse was a result of a withdrawal from sleeping pills. Whether those were prescription or recreational pills, I don't know. Neither one of us bitched about Alphie, which is great. I told him what was going on for me in a very matter of fact tone- about wanting my space, trying to contact Grace about going to the hospital, and some weird energy- but whatever- but I didn't feel any stickiness around it. We filled each other in on the state of our lives- Russell did ask if I was still seeing "my boyfriend" and that was another easygoing (perhaps slick) response of how we were both working hard on individual issues and not really seeing each other as much as we used to, though we are still connected. Which actually, is pretty true.

After the conversation I took a hot bath and have rubbed some muscle relaxer on my sore legs (sore no doubt from yesterday's dance class). Now I'm ready to watch a little bit of a DVD and sleep!

I realize I can't buy chocolate soy milk anymore, at least not in a large container, because I will drink too much of it and give myself a stomachache.

That's about everything I have to report for today... exciting, no?

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