Dear Diary,

Okay, you win, I'm officially depressed. I haven't done anything all day except watch DVDs- and felt awful.

Again and again this thought, why don't you love me? How can you not miss me? has come up. So I decided to do some journaling about it. My therapist pointed out that this original feeling comes from my parents, so in my journal I formed it as a letter to my parents- even though some of the statements were stuff I direct at M in my head, things like, "I can't believe you don't miss me; I can't believe you don't love me," from there many other statements came up like, "I can't believe you're not interested in my life; I can't believe it's so easy for you to cast me aside." When I would get stuck, I just went to back to the original ideas.

The end result was very interesting- a letter that started out being directed toward M but could have just as easily been written to my parents. I then took all the "I can't believe" statements and rewrote them as "I am sad that- you don't love me, you don't miss me, you cast me aside, etc." That made a much cleaner list and I could look at what my feelings are- rather than not believing- because I do believe it, and I have an incredible grief around it.

I read through that list of statements and realized that I could have easily said all those things about Alphie. Maybe not all of them to M, as he is more caring than Alphie and my parents put together. But it was an interesting experiment. To see that I have in the past very much chosen people who would treat me exactly like my parents. Granted I think I healed a bit and M was a step up, but definitely triggering and bringing attention to this abandonment struggle.

I cried a lot during the whole process and I think it came from a deeper place, at least I'd like to think it did. I imagine myself untangling my feelings about past issues with my parents from my feelings about M and the current situation. It's the only way I can get clear and figure out how I truly feel about him.

So at the moment I don't feel quite the same sense of dispair I felt earlier. I'm not sure how I feel. I am just trying to trust that healing is happening and I am taking care of all the vulnerable parts of myself, perhaps as the little baby dream suggests. That I could hold myself as I was holding my son in the dream, baby-cheek pressed against mine.

There is a lot of opportunity and potential here, I have a sense of that. I can only do what I can for myself. That includes just having compassion for myself when I am in such a dark space. So I will keep writing here because I believe it is helping me. The things I describe may seem minor to other people but they are huge to me, and I see how they have been affecting so much of my life.

Also the other night I went through and organized a lot of emails and photos. It went all the way back to last year and I found some emails I had sent Delia with pictures of Don. I remember at this time last year I was very depressed about the turn things had taken with him. I guess I never knew I would have the year that I had, with so many blessings... and I guess I just don't know where I'll be next year. I do feel that I am finishing up with these patterns and I won't be dealing with this again-the whole abandonment thing- I am really working on it and healing it, on this I am clear. I may not even be done yet, but this is really coming to a close.

So I need to go, and clean up and pack. My house has once again crumbled around me, and it's not good to just sit in a messy place and be depressed. We know it's not. So I'll just get moving. And, I guess it will be good to get away for a few days (granted, I'm going back to the source of this whole mess, but I am different, and maybe they are too, a little bit). It will be an opportunity to be busy with other things.

And more time passes.

And time is supposed to heal all wounds, right?

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