love and fear... again [ 2007-12-26, 9:21 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Happy holidays, if there is such a thing. I have felt so uninvolved in the holiday season, it's ridiculous. I did minimum shopping and effort in all things holiday.

I am visiting my parents right now, and it's really okay. They have been great to me, I think because they sense my intense sadness around this issue with M.

I text messaged M on the morning of his birthday, wishing him a happy one. He texted back about thirty minutes later saying thank you, and that he was spending a fun day with his sister. I was torn about calling him, but I figured we had a verbal agreement about contact, and I have this thing about keeping my word. So I did call him a little after 10pm - and he answered but was already in bed. The conversation was very, very short- and still, it felt like he was a million miles away. I can tell when M's really emotionally guarded. It feels like a brick wall is surrounding him.

I regretted calling after that. I talked to Red and asked him if he thought I should just break up with M. I mean, what is this? Red said he couldn't answer that. Our phone conversation was cut short due to the fact that I had to go help my aunt wrap presents.

The next day was Christmas. My parents and I unwrapped presents in the morning but I got overwhelmed in the middle and had to go have a good cry in the back bedroom. I know my parents could hear me, and I also know they just don't know what to do with so much emotion. They are not very well-versed in expressing feelings or holding space for other people feeling theirs. So I cried myself out. When I came out, my mom put her arm around me and said, "What's wrong?" Even though she knew it was M. She asked me if we have broken up and I said, not really. Then she tried to say things like, "Men. They are so stupid." No doubt to make me feel better, but that stuff really doesn't make me feel better, it feels too much like making generalizations and stereotypes and not taking into account the whole deal.

Speaking of deals, the agreement with M and I was that I would call him on his birthday, and he would call me on Christmas. He didn't call at all yesterday. Not a peep. By the end of the day I felt a sense of disbelief, as well as angry and sad. I never expected this of him. He has always been a man of his word. And you know how I am about keeping one's word.

My first instinct was to just cut him off - okay, it's over, that's the way he wants it, that's IT. Feeling dishonored and disrespected. Then I checked my email. There was an email from the night before,from Red. We had been cut off on the phone but he had gone to his computer and written me an email of support. In it he wrote:

"All great questions lead to only more questions, lest we drive ourselves wild with mental occupations of usually only partially discerned answers. If I may, a question such as: Should I break up with him? cannot be answered in any real sense, because there are other questions that need to be answered. Go one step deeper.

Ask: What is your intention in doing such?
Ask: Is your decision based on love or fear? The answer to this should make all previous answers more correct or more egregious. Ask: 'Is this decision empowering or dis-empowering to me?'

Ask: 'Why be in relationship? What is the goal of such?' Be clear on this and the lotus will open before you on what to do or be or not to do or be.

So, you go on feeling your feelings, AND ask yourself better questions to get to the truth."

I read through this email a couple of times and sat with it. Then I decided to write back, because oftentimes writing things out helps me think. I said:

"I asked myself the question. My intention in doing such- the first answer that comes is to protect myself- to be the first one that "leaves" somehow gives me the sensation that I have some control, some "power". This is childlike thinking and comes from a place of fear, believing I can somehow protect myself from this current pain, and more pain, by creating a clear-cut break. In fact, that would probably make me very very miserable. And, it is never empowering for me to act from fear.

He didn't call me at all today. I have gone through a cycle of feelings including disbelief, anger and sadness. The desire to cut him off completely, without explanation, came up very strong. Your email helped me to ponder a bit more and ask why would he act this way? In the place of my heart where I know him, I know he is terrified. I know he went to his sister's house this week to distract himself from being in his house alone, now that his classes are on break- he is afraid to be alone and he is afraid to feel the depth and strength of his feelings. When we spoke last night I could feel myself bumping up against his armor. His not calling today could be a decision made from this fear, or even a way to sabotage whatever connection we do have.

When I allowed myself to feel into the situation this way it softened my heart and I no longer feel so angry. Instead I feel a great deal of compassion for a man that has truly tried to be with me in the most skillful way he knows how. And that now, just like I am, he is coming up against major core stuff that is inviting a deep shift. Whether he accepts this invitation, and how he chooses to navigate any paths that are offered before him, are his choices and his alone. In my triggered, upset and angry places I may think I know best or see the best route to take, but it is impossible for me to know that for someone else. I often get angry when I perceive that others are victim to their fear and can't, or won't, move through it or do what's "right", i.e. honor a verbal agreement, call anyway, etc. But I see this as judgement too.

One of my intentions is to decrease the degree of emotional reactivity and increase my degree of self-clarity. In the past I have been so quick to feel slighted and dishonored by broken agreements - but these are old emotions that get hooked into from old old patterns. When I can look at those and see the root, I can see that my reactions come from a core place. I have the intention to heal at the very root of the wound, rather than just with a reactive band-aid. Once I've done that I can stand in a different place and see the situation, and myself, in a much different space. I'm not completely clear right now but I trust that clarity will come. And then I will always know what to do from the very core of myself. I will not even feel the need to ask for guidance because it will be so integrated and automatic, there will be no asking, it will be knowing.

In the meantime, I'll be feeling my feelings, because that's what's going to lead me there.

Why be in relationship? Many reasons, one, I want to share my overflow. I want the experience of giving to and being deeply received by another. I want to know and be known. I want to celebrate and be celebrated. I want to experience of this sacred mirror, Beloved, to challenge me deeper into my journey of serving love. And I am excited at the thought of having a partner who will journey with me, to share the sweetness of such depth. Over and over I feel the longing for "someone to reach for in the middle of the night" -- beyond sex, what this signifies for me is the unknown that each soul on this plane plunges into every day of existence- complete darkness- but a fellow traveler whose hand I can find in the dark- "Oh, you're here too." And maybe I will have the realization that we are not even two, but one, and the darkness is not darkness but it's us as well."

And that was my experience. My ego tries to shift me back into the places of hurt - "How could he?!" But truthfully I know M is suffering. And he is trying to hide. But I also know he is building up maximum capacity. He's not going to be able to hold it. Just like a couple of weeks ago after conversation, when he had a meltdown, experienced many harsh family memories, and needed to talk about it, he will eventually feel whatever is going on.

I feel strangely calm, and okay. I feel like he's resisting so much because he loves me. I invoke something in him, some kind of feeling or realness that is scaring him. But they are real feelings of love. What he chooses to do with them, well we can only see.

I also feel that I like myself where I am. I can honestly say that this is the best I have ever shown up in a relationship. With Frank, I definitely reacted big time to stuff like this. I was not willing to look so much at myself. But it feels like my love for M comes from a much freer place, with not as much fear attached right now. This is what I wanted, this is where I am going, I am manifesting my wish. I feel really grateful to M that I was able to have the experience of relating to him from a place where I could be my best self.

Red remembered my intention of questioning what comes from love and what comes from fear. I'm so glad he did.

That's it for now....

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