miscommunications [ 2007-12-29, 12:34 a.m. ]

Hi Diary,

I don't know why I'm here - on Diaryland right now- or most of the time why I'm on the planet, come to think of it- but I just am.

I am tired, but don't allow myself to go to bed. Today I finished up all my visiting in my hometown. Had lunch with X, which was nice. We talked for almost two hours about practically everything. I told her about my burst of compassion and she didn't even interrupt or anything. She is being very supportive.

Then I went to hang out with my other friend ZZ. She is super relaxed so that was great. I came back to meet up with my parents, and before I went to dinner I checked my email. There was an email from Red's friend Barb. Barb had sent out an email a few days ago inviting many people to a New Year's Day brunch. Today she sent me an email that basically said, "Hey Duck, Red told me today that M is now an ex. So I'm just writing to apologize for including him on your invitation. I hope you will come. Barb"

Well, for whatever reason, this caused me to freeze up and well up with a lot of anger. Why would Red say that, after all the conversations we've had? And why is he telling other people? It's not like we didn't just have that whole conversation about "breaking up with him, what's the intention for doing so, love or fear," etc.... so then he is going around telling people we broke up?!

My parents were ready to go out to dinner so we all loaded into the car. Sitting in the restaurant, I was still fuming, and having a very difficult time being pleasant at the table or connecting to my family. I realized I was so angry because I don't WANT to break up-- and it felt once again like I have no control- I certainly don't know what's happening, and I don't like labeling this as a break up.

I excused myself and went to the foyer of the restaurant to call Red. I left a message on his voicemail: "Hey Red, it's me. I just got this email from Barb [explained email]. I don't know if you did say that to her, or said it in another way, maybe she took it wrong. But this is really bothering me, because we have been having these conversations about how I don't really know what is happening and that this connection is just something that may look a little different. And, I would appreciate it if you don't tell anyone about M and me. I'm still trying to figure it out myself and it doesn't help me to have you telling this to people who may not understand it."

As soon as I left that message and went back to the table, I felt my body release the anger and the tension, my hands were even shaking a bit. I was able to relax and enjoy dinner.

Afterward I went to Stacey's parents' house, where she's been visiting them for the holiday. I really was reluctant to go but Kelly was there too, and it was the only time I got to see her on my trip. We all would have preferred to go to Kelly's new house, but Stacey's mom refused to watch Stacey's baby.

It was an okay night, but I have visited Stacey's family the last three nights and truthfully I've had enough of them. Stacey's mom is an alcoholic and gets belligerent, angry and rude, not to mention controlling Stacey more and more. When Stacey comes to visit, you can be sure she'll be saying things like, "My mom won't let me out of the house," or "We have to stick to my mom's schedule." It's ridiculous, because Stacey is MARRIED, with a child, and lives 3000 miles away, but as soon as she comes to visit she lets her mother control her just as much as she did when she was 16.

Her father, meanwhile, bustles around compulsively cleaning, while her brother gets more and more irksome, trying to get her mother's goat. Which is easy, since mother is getting drunker and drunker as the evening goes on. It's really awful!

Kelly and I left at the same time and I went to her house for an hour or so. We agreed we both hated the evening and that we hope Stacey will get some kind of balls and/or boundaries, but who knows if that will ever happen.

When I got home, Red called and apologized. He explained that he saw the group email, that included the guest list, and he "freaked out" when he saw "Duck and M" there. In an effort to "protect me" he told Barb that M and I were not together-- which, he admitted - "I don't know if it's true, and it's none of my business anyway. Also, I know you don't need my protection. I'm sorry."

And then he told me that he offered my services up for a job, presenting to a group that he won't be able to.

Apology accepted, and all is okay. My anger seems to have released itself, and I wrote Barb an email that at first said, "No worries- M and I are not actually broken up-" but then I changed it to "M and I are still together, but we're not doing New Year's together." Why not put it a little bit more in the positive? And whatever, if that seems super strange to someone, so be it. It's not necessary for me to explain my weird bond with M to anybody right now.

Over a week and a half since Alphie's strange symptoms, and I've heard through the grapevine that he's out of the hospital. I even saw that he was online on MySp@c3. No reply to any of my emails, and of course no word from Grace. This is why I don't want anything to do with them. It is classic Alphie and Grace. I'm just going to call Serena a week or so before the next training and tell her the whole situation. I'll tell her I really don't want any contact with them and maybe next semester she can put me in a different module. I don't care to make up with them or be friends or be connected in any way. I'm done!

Now, sleep.

Love,
Duck

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