Dear Diary,

No luck with the sleeping last night. I don't think I have insomnia per se, I think I'm just on a bad schedule.

LilyB called kind of on the late side last night and I couldn't really hold in my sadness. She said, "What are you doin', Duckie?" And I just started to cry and said, "Moping,"

"Oh," says LilyB, "This too shall pass, my darling," And I know she's right, but it's taking it's sweet time! And it hurts. Who knows. LilyB might be the right person for me to hang out with and just let go of it all.

I'm going to her house today, later than expected since I slept in late. I have several errands to run today before I go up to her place.

I tried to go right to sleep after our conversation, but was having a hard time. I read some of my book about readings (which is actually a great book I bought last year) that is actually very good and is helping me a lot. Then I tried to write a letter to M in my journal, about my anger regarding no Christmas call. I couldn't really muster up any fire about it though- trying to write those "you" statements about how he doesn't care- and on some level I just don't believe he's that cruel. And then I tried to make a list of things I don't like about him vs. things I do. There were only two things on the don't like list: neurotic and fearful. But also neurotic is also on the 'like' list, since it makes him kind of funny in a Ben Stiller/Woody Allen kind of way.

I guess the point is I can't hate him right now, even if I try. That's why my heart gets all twisted up.

So, I have my book gift certificate, which I need to go spend immediately. And also, I've decided to cash the check from M. I'm all right with it. I was looking at my resistance- I want to do the "right" thing, I don't want him to think I want him for the money, etc. etc. Well, whatever. We made a deal- he did say I could work for it. Also, the truth is, I want to be connected to him. I want to share love and finances and a house. I am totally willing to work and make money and contribute, and I am okay if he has more money than me. It's already been established that I'm not at my best when I'm not working, and, I love my job anyway.

The fears I usually do have are ridiculous. I am afraid one little thing will happen and it will skew everything. When Frank and I were dating, he refused to pick me up at the airport. He had some superstition that once you dropped off or picked your partner up at the airport, everything went downhill within the relationship. I thought that was ridiculous. Like if our whole relationship could be blown away by that, we were in big trouble anyway. And, obviously, he never picked me up or dropped me off and it still didn't save us... so there goes that magical thinking. When we broke up, my sister Delia said, "So will he drop you off at the airport now?"

Anyway my point in telling that story is, that as much as I made fun of Frank for all his superstitions, I have a million of them myself. Somehow I believe myself to be such a powerful fuck-up that if I make a wrong decision, I will ruin everything- not taking into account that other people have decisions to make too, and not every detail is that important. And then there is the point that Angel made, that all things are being worked on a higher level, and there's nothing I can do on the lower level.

I've done everything I can do down here. If we're meant to be lovers, it will happen, and if not- probably me cashing a check that he intended to give to me months ago anyway is not going to be the deciding factor. When I do get my wish and we're together, am I going to spend the whole relationship resisting his generosity? Probably not. No definitely not. I like that part of us but that's not why I wanted to be with him in the first place, and he knows that.

I still struggle with this part: that I have a lot to offer on many levels myself. I guess I have to see that beauty within myself and be confident about that.

Better get going- lots to do.

Happy New Year people.

Love,
Duck

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