Dear Diary,

Welcome to 2008. How did I get here? I can't remember ever fathoming a 2008, really.

And so it is. I didn't do well with the errands I wanted to run before getting to LilyB's. For one thing, it seemed the bank closed early, so there was no chance of cashing the check I was planning to pay my rent with. There were no signs that said the bank was closing early-- just locked doors, which sucks, I think. They should tell people about that. Also, what is the deal? Yes, New Year's Day is a holiday... but now BANKS are closing early on New Year's Eve? How ridiculous is that?

Also I managed to find the gift certificate for B&N but wouldn't you know it, they didn't have ANY of the books I needed for school, not a one. So I bought a book for LilyB and a one for Stacey's baby-- I had to spend that money before 2008, after all.

Off to LilyB's and she picked me up at the bus station- she and her partner Stu. Stu is an okay guy but I know LilyB is getting sick of him... she thinks he's not manly enough. We hung out at her house, eating great food and basically lying around like lumps. Just the way I like to ring in the New Year. I admit I was feeling sad about the state of my love life. At midnight we meditated and visualized what we were releasing from 2007, and what we wanted our 2008 to look like. I probably went to bed before 2am, I'm not sure.

I woke up at noon. Going to have a heck of a time getting up for my 8:15am appt tomorrow. Oh well. Sitting around with LilyB and lo and behold, who calls but M? That was something I was totally not expecting. "Should I answer it?" I asked LilyB, to which she replied, "Yes!"

So I did. I shut myself up in LilyB's bedroom and talked to M for over an hour. All the usual things, happy new year, what did you do, blah blah blah. He asked me how was my Christmas and I replied, "So so." pause. "I thought you were going to call me on Christmas?" "Oh. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to or not, I couldn't remember. I'm sorry. Was I? I can see how that could make things... weird... more weird." "I was really confused when you didn't." "Sorry."

I guess I could have been more truthful and said I was really HURT that he didn't call, but I felt like I was picking my battles and could bring that up some other time if need be. Our conversation continued much like the others have, lots of jokes and bantering about. Mostly we talk about other people rather than ourselves, probably because we haven't really been doing much but feeling bad. M is still at his sister's, and told me he's flying home on Thursday. And of course that famous line when we hang up, he says, "I'll talk to you later, happy new year, baby," And that's that, although I don't believe, and don't want any part of me to start believing, that that means he'll be calling me when he gets home on Thursday. "I'll talk to you later," is his line lately but seems to mean in 2 or 3 weeks.

After this I came downstairs and of course LilyB wanted to know how it went. "I can't help it, I love him," I said, and a tear squirted out. "I know sweetie, and I believe he loves you too," she said, and I sat and sniffled there for a few minutes. Although I felt slightly positive after our conversation, I don't trust my own positivity... it goes away after a few days, after the promise of "later" has not materialized... so I still find myself in a weird place, not sure of what to think. I am tired, and I don't know.

Still, there is some way I have taken a deep breath into January-- at least it's January, I tell myself. Time has passed and I've crossed that imaginary line into a new year. Something has to happen now, something has to change.

Other news: an email from Alphie, rather short and perhaps irritating if I chose to take it that way. That Serena said not to engage with me unless I initiated it- and his plan was not to LOOK at me. I don't really believe that Serena was that unclear about what giving someone space means, but, whatever. Instead of a snotty reply, which I was very tempted to give, I instead chose to write back 1) expressing gratitude for his reply, 2) overwhelming concern and curiousity about his health, and if he was okay- stating that we'd all prayed for him and I tried to come to the hospital but it seemed like a bad time, and 3) more gratitude for him supporting me in what I needed. That should do it, even though today I was just thinking how selfish and entitlist they both are, and I don't care, only obviously I do, because the email enraged me. So, back to doing anger work around Alphie in therapy, la la la.

So what do I have to tell you, 2008? I don't know. This could be a year of not knowing. Or it could be the year when all my dreams come true. I feel that I will have some kind of love in my life, love that sticks, this year. Who knows who it will be.

Let me, incidentally, tell you a story. On New Year's Eve day, I was traveling to LilyB's, and I remembered how I "called in" my beloved M. I'll tell you how.

I was assisting at a seminar when I noticed M across the room. I mean I really NOTICED him. Young, handsome guy, I was onto it. Not much time passed before I realized he was there with his WIFE. Aw, shucks, okay, I said, he's taken. Poo.

Well during the seminar I spoke to both M and his wife (FMM). They were a striking couple- both young and good-looking and seemingly successful. Since we were all of the same age, a friendship seemed appropriate, and we exchanged information.

A month or two down the road, and I got an email from FMM that she and M were coming to my town and would I like to have dinner with them and another couple? Sure. I meet them at the restaurant. The other couple was so boring that I don't even remember their faces, wouldn't know them if I bumped into them on the street. I was sitting across from M and we were having some amazing banter, funny, witty conversation... he was totally following my weird sense of humor and it felt like he was building on it... we were creating teetering towers of insanity with our conversation, laughing and laughing. Nobody else seemed to get it.

I just remember thinking, "Shit, this guy is hot! Look at those muscles under his shirt. I better start talking to his wife so she doesn't think I'm hitting on him." And I did so (much more boring talking to her).

After dinner, the other couple is gone and it is M, FMM, and me walking out on the street the several blocks to their car. I was asking M about his family heritage and various other things... I was so taken with him, that Diary, I swear I said this in my head....

"Aww... THIS IS THE GUY THAT I WANT. He's smart, handsome, funny, sexy, witty, artistic... but he's taken."

And then I let it go. I mean I let it GO-- didn't hold onto it for a minute. They got in their car, we waved goodbye, and I didn't think about him anymore. I never have any delusions about married men- they are off limits.

But I did say that to the Universe... or whoever... and wouldn't you know... two years down the road, who is calling me?

Isn't that interesting?

So what I thought is, why can't I let go NOW? Can I say, this is the guy I want, let him go, and trust that if he's supposed to be mine, he will be? I was thinking that on NYE day, running it through my mind whenever he crossed my thoughts. And he did call today, unexpected. This goes with the trust issue I mentioned a few entries ago... I want to trust that the Universe is going to give me what I want, or something even better, even beyond my imagination...

If I could go back to the woman I was a few years ago, in heartbreak over Frank, what would I say to myself? To not sweat it? That it was going to be okay, that right then I thought Frank was the best things were going to get, but I didn't know how much better it could be?

Is the future always better, Diary?

I wonder.

[previous] [next]