Hi Diary,

Got up early for my 8:15am appointment. Of course I had trouble sleeping the night before, but I guess that's just expected. Even Kate saw me come in and said, "I thought you aren't a morning person?!" to which I replied, "I am definitely not- I'm just dedicated."

A good session overall-- talked about trusting that I can get what I want, trusting myself... and a big thing was, trusting that good things will come to me and I can have what I want even when I don't worry about it all the time. I discovered this belief (that has now been banished, thanks very much) that if I don't put my attention on something (i.e. worrying as a form of attention) that I wouldn't believe it would happen for me. Where logically we know that worry doesn't ever really help anything, does it? But I seem to have done it a lot.

Once again Kate brought up the issue of, "Well who makes the rules here?" Two weeks ago it was kind of the same issue. I had a feeling that she is triggered about something regarding power, and feels that I haven't taken any of the power in this relationship because it's M that asked for space and he gets to describe the parameters of that space... so by bringing up rules it made me think of a game, where people are adversaries rather than partners. It is a difficult thing to understand, but I guess as a partner I have agreed to give space... until I don't want to anymore, or I need something different- and then I will ask for it. Kate seemed really concerned with the idea that I should be able to "make some rules" too. I didn't really view the things we have set up as rules, I've been viewing them more as agreements. But I was clear in saying, "That doesn't really resonate with me Kate. I think that's more your agenda," and she was able to drop it. So I feel good about that.

Went to the bank and they wouldn't cash my check due to not enough in savings to cover it. So I had to deposit the whole thing and then do a withdrawal for the money I needed. Not so convenient, but I guess not worth complaining about as at least I have money to put in the bank and withdrawal!!

It is already turning pretty cold today. I felt chilled coming home because Kate's office was so toasty that I was sweating, and then out into the whipping wind. Now I'm home and feeling like doing nothing- surprise surprise... but perhaps I will accomplish something worthwhile today... perhaps.

One of my other goals today was having a happy and fulfilling life while waiting for M at the same time. Instead of moping and feeling like I'm in a holding pattern, I would like to be having fun, experiencing things that make me happy and embracing my creativity. It has felt like I've been dragging myself around and just going through the motions. I would like this motivation and inspiration to come from inside, and not just be things I "make myself do" to distract from feeling hurt.

I guess I will just sit here and integrate a bit...

More later, I'm sure.

Love,
Duck

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