Dear Diary,

Aah, the power of the ego... I have a nasty one. It seems that I have a very clever saboteur. As soon as I get into a place of feeling calm and relatively collected, my sneaky brain will think of a reason why I should be freaking out. It's insane.

For instance, I finally came to a place where I felt that I was making good choices, to focus completely on myself, trust my own answers, and all that good stuff. Then at some point today I convinced myself that M is seeing someone else, and he's going to sleep with her. And that's why he never calls. And yes, he may do that and still decide he loves me, but he's fooling around with other people nonetheless.

(And I don't know if he would do that anyway, considering that he says all he does is worry about women- wouldn't that just be another woman to worry about?)

JESUS! Get off it. LilyB says big deal, sex is sex, but love is something different entirely. And so, yes, maybe M goes off and bangs a few chicks and finds out that he wants something more, what he was "missing" all those years in his drab marriage was just fantasies- and the real experience of fucking around is not as fascinating as what his heart desires. No big deal.

But to me and my neuroses it is a HUGE deal, because I take it personally- that why am I not enough? Although logically I could say, ok, yup, he needs to go do that so at least he knew he did it, and then he could make a decision. But it is one of my triggers, I guess it has to do with never feeling chosen.

I remember so many times in my life when I wasn't chosen- particularly in this moment this one flashback from junior high- the guy I had a HUGE crush on chose my best friend over me. Naturally, in true junior high fashion, he sent another girl over as a go-between, to explain. "Rob likes you and everything," I remember the girl saying, "and you know, if it wasn't for Tiffany, he would totally go out with you. But you know, she's prettier, and she's blond."

Thanks.

You know, just one episode in a continuous script of similar experiences that started long before Tiffany. So, even though I don't know anything for sure, my imagination concocts it for me in an effort to make sure that I am insecure. Dammit.

One more thing to take to Kate, providing I can make it till Wednesday. Actually it is a full week of getting lots of attention: Monday with the energy healer, Tuesday therapy, Wednesday with Kate, and my class with Serena on Friday. Quite a lineup! You'd think I'd be better (here I go judging myself again). I guess I am getting better, little by little, and for that to happen all this crap has to come up.

A lot of my friends are older, and have kids, and sometimes they just have these "take it or leave it" attitudes about men- like their hearts have been broken so many times by so many men or once you have kids you have someone else to love so you don't worry about it as much or SOMETHING, I don't know... but I just can't get myself to that stage and maybe it's because I've never TRULY experienced that connection with somebody so it is a dream, an intense fear and desire all at the same time.

But, when I think about who I want to be in relationship... it is not somebody whose afraid all the time... not somebody who needs constant reassurance from the outside that I am okay... not somebody that collapses in fear at the mere thought of betrayal...

But rather a confident person, someone who knows she is beautiful inside and out, someone who knows she offers a lot to the world and a lot to relationship, someone who knows she is worth being valued and loved and cared for and doted upon and supported and enjoyed and empowered and all that good stuff.

So, no, nasty ego, you don't get to win this round, even if what you think up is actually happening- what other people do does not say anything about me. Only I get to say things about me- through my words, my actions, my giving and receiving in this world. There is an essence to me that is unique, and you cannot sabotage that. It is just a matter of me remembering, again and again, that this is who I truly am.

Love,
Duck

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