Hi Diary,

Yesterday I had wanted to stay over at LilyB's house, which she had kind of talked about as an option last week. But yesterday when I saw her, she didn't mention it again- instead saying she better get me to the bus- so even though I had brought my overnight stuff, I didn't say anything.

I came home instead and went grocery shopping, spending all my cash. But no credit card! My goal is the only thing you will see on that card every month is the travel expense for training.

Tried to go to bed on the early side last night and was mildly successful. Another wave of sadness, and some tears, some disbelief. I dreamed of M, that we were in some kind of weird college dorm, and he was lying with me on the floor. Then he started having some tears, and my "roommate" (incidentally in the dream this was Leni, an ex-dance teacher of mine) ran to get 3 or 4 friends to intervene, because she thought M was having a breakdown. Then M got up to leave, and I was calling after him, "Baby, please don't go," I wanted to comfort him, but he was intent on not feeling his feelings- barely looking at me over his shoulder he said, "Please don't try to get me into my earthly body," or something like that. Just then his friends came around the corner to confront him; M talked to them a bit and it was obvious he was struggling with emotion. Next thing you know we are in some sort of bar/cafe thing and M is calling a helpline for people that can't sleep. I told all the friends to go away, go in the other room, if you all stand here he is going to feel pressured. And one guy just kept complaining that he wanted chicken nachos. I told him to get lost and go get them then. Then I woke up.

Many phone calls this morning but I haven't answered any of them.... in fact I wrote my morning pages, cried some more and lay down again to sleep.... can't believe I could sleep more, but I did, and dreamed more too. This time it was not a college dorm but a "camp" type tent/dorm setting and M and I were in a bunk, kissing with passion and enjoying each other. We took my shirt off and he was lying on top of me, and Louie came in- apparently he was our bunkmate or something... but he went in another area and M and I smiled at each other and continued to fool around... it was a nice dream and didn't last long enough.

Now, awake, and needing to go to therapy in a few minutes. Haven't showered but who cares. Might just go cry my eyes out again. Feeling flat, sad, and apathetic about a lot of things.

Love,
Duck

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