Dear Diary,

Last night had a revelation about one of my earlier dreams- the one where M was leaving and he said, "Don't try to get me into my earthly body."

I realize that on an unconscious level, I have been absorbing and feeling his emotions, and worried about whether he is doing enough with the thinking that if he doesn't do his work he won't evolve and they'll be no chance for us to be together. So on some unconscious level I have been trying to take care of him- and in that way not giving him the space to let him do what he needs to. Perhaps his demand in my dream was his higher self or unconscious telling me to bug off.

This is what it truly means to let go- to let go in every way, on every level- to truly surrender control, not just outward control but all worrying, hoping and attachments to any outcomes. What a trip!

Yesterday in therapy I talked with my therapist about letting go and how I didn't want to. We did an exercise with her holding one end of a rope and me holding the other. She was really pulling, and asked me to just sit with her, not trying to do the "right" thing, and just feel what it's like to hold on. I noticed that all my energy was focused on the holding on, so much so that I couldn't really feel myself. And since that was happening, I felt like if I let go, there'd be no ME. It was a very interesting experience, and through some process it started feeling less and less like I was holding onto M and more and more like I was very young and trying to hold onto my mom. I was only able to let go when I envisioned Spirit holding me as my real mother.

Although the whole thing was kind of subtle and meditative, it was huge. I felt something really shift after that session, and after my realization of how I try to help and protect people without them even asking, how that keeps me connected. Today I went into Kate's with some very clear ideas about what I wanted to work on- and it really is about letting go and not being attached to what the end result looks like. We talked about me feeling good about myself whether M and I get back together, or whether we are just friends, and even if he sees other people. I wouldn't even have been able to entertain those thoughts last week. I felt surprisingly calm through all of this and I know it's a culmination of all the work I've been doing- Kate, and therapy, and EnergyLady, and the card reader, deep talks with friends like Red and LilyB and all events and opportunities I've been paying attention to and embracing.

Now I'm home and about to do the dreaded laundry- would have gotten started sooner but had a sudden attack of cramps, which often happens on the fourth day of my period. Can you believe I have cramps that late? A lot of people don't. That will be my next topic to tackle...

Supposed to see Emily tonight. She is moving in a couple of weeks so she wants to spend some time together. I don't know why but even though she is sweet to me, my feelings about her have started to change. I know it started when I didn't feel like she supported my relationship with M, but also there's some other things. I really got upset that she fooled around with that engaged guy, even though in the past I never made any judgements about her other dalliances with married men, etc. For some reason this time really bugged me. Also, now she has a boyfriend of sorts, and the last time I saw her she was saying things like "I hope I'm not pregnant," because apparently they had sex and he, um, released without warning... first of all, why was she not even using a condom? I don't know. I told her she needed to set some good boundaries in the beginning of the relationship. I mean, she's only been on a couple dates with this guy, she doesn't KNOW him, and they literally live in two different countries (she travels a lot for work) and could she really afford to have a baby with a man she doesn't know? She might be connecting herself to some nutjob for the rest of her life.

She agreed and said she would talk to him. We spoke yesterday and she said she had "the conversation" and it went well. "Oh, good for you," I said, "Because you know, it's important to be careful, there's other things that could happen too."

"What do you mean?"

(And here I'm thinking, what does she mean, what do I mean?!"

"I mean like STDs and stuff. You guys don't know each other that well."

"Oh, but for something like that, he'd have to wear a condom."

"You mean you're not using condoms? I thought that's what the conversation was about!"

"No, I told him he has to pull out, uh, before."

"Um, Emily, you know that's not a foolproof method, right? There's still a possibility you can get pregnant that way. A little thing called pre-come?"

"Yeah, well, I was thinking of maybe going on the pill...." (Not very convincing).

Just let me vent. Can I just ask you, Diary, am I the only one who remembers the 80s, and HIV and all the nasty things that can happen, and HELLO, how possible it is to get pregnant? I REALLY don't know where Emily's brain is at. Steffy is the same way- granted, she and her boyfriend have been dating over a year, they live in the same city, they know (or hope) they are exclusive.... and, I have a sneaking suspicion that Steffy hopes to get pregnant... she's been trying to "catch" Matt for a long time and wants him to be more "there" for her- probably hopes a pregnancy will push him in that direction. Not the healthiest thinking, but... Emily-- COME ON. Two dates? Don't know the guy? He literally lives in another country???? And you are using the RHYTHM METHOD? I can't believe her stupidity.

Yes, judgment, I know, but I can't believe the choices this girl is making. And I feel like I'm losing respect for her on so many levels these past couple of months. Come on, HAVE A BRAIN. Jesus.

Another thing to surrender to, I suppose. It could be that my life and my choices look just as ridiculous (staying in a relationship with somebody who I don't see, and never knowing what's going on)- however, some gambles are bigger than others.

Later.

Duck

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