how much i've grown [ 2008-01-13, 1:50 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Had a good day and a good visit with Russell. He is very affectionate and fun to hang out with. He told me I look great and seem really together and healthy. Funny, I don't always feel that way...

I do feel somewhat calmer today, more centered and not quite so emotional. Not sure, but maybe the anxiety that has affected me so frequently is subsiding. I am so up close and in it, maybe I don't see my own changes. Kind of like when you have a baby or a puppy, and they are slowly getting bigger but you don't realize they are growing because you see them everyday. Maybe everyday I am getting stronger, but it's in small increments so I can't tell how much I've grown.

A QUOTE: Strive to stay in an ever present now. You have no control over the past or the future. Only choices about this moment. Ask yourself the same question every morning and every night. What would I do differently if today were the last day of my life?

Well I do know that I don't want to be lovesick and writing about the same guy who won't show up for me for the rest of my life. I need to own myself. Men will only stop "abandoning" me when I stop abandoning myself. This is tricky, self-nurturing. But I guess I came here to be challenged.

Love,
Duck

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