soulmate = soul shaker [ 2008-01-14, 7:55 p.m. ]

Dear M,

Don't know where to start but wanted to write to you. Thinking of you with a mix of sadness and gratitude, and wanted to tell you my perspective on what we shared.

I remember the first time you called me and left a message; how excited I felt to connect with you. I loved our conversations. I remember really looking forward to you coming to visit me- not really knowing how we would connect or anything like that. I remember opening the door and seeing you standing there, and just knowing something great was going to happen.

That trip to _____ was like a dream come true, the most fun I've had in my life- laughing so much everyday. Things for me felt like a dream coming true until that day in August- the breakup that really threw me for a loop. After that I was never the same, an old fear had been awakened in me. And, I imagine, in you too.

What happened? Well, it's all about old stuff as you know- what this break has done for me is given me the opportunity to explore myself in a way that really needed to happen. If I hadn't loved and adored you so much, it wouldn't have been so scary; and it wouldn't have hurt so bad. If it hadn't hurt so bad I wouldn't have worked so hard to go so deep.

You were a catalyst for me to heal myself, and to bring myself to a whole other level. In the past, I may not have understood this as well as I do now. I have pushed so many people away from me because they couldn't love me the way I wanted them to- they couldn't be like me, they couldn't allow themselves to feel what I felt, or they weren't willing to face their fears in the same way I was. Each one was a teacher to me, but there were so many feelings, compounded with those old feelings of loss, abandonment and rejection, that I refused to acknowledge that with much gratitude. For whatever reason, this was the time in my life when I was really ready.

Spirit sent you to me for a reason. It put us together so we could teach each other. My lesson was extremely painful. What I learned was how easily I lose myself. That in the process of being abandoned, I learned how to abandon myself- and this became second nature to me, to abandon myself. The loss of you was extremely painful and I fought it all the way- maybe not in a way that YOU could see it- because on a higher level I knew it was not fair to try to keep you when you didn't want to be- but I was holding on in my mind, in my heart.

I remember the day you were at my house, before Halloween, and we talked about freedom, and clarity, and I was looking at you and wondering why everything was so hard, feeling like you could be the love of my life, but why couldn't you receive me? Then a voice in my head said, "The love of your life loves you back," and I knew I had to let you go. I knew we were not even on that score.

Painful, and beautiful, that night together. How honest we can be together, how loving, how generous. And then began a new journey for me. Trying to contain myself, be connected to Spirit, be in the unknown, and, the biggest, trying to let go. Over and over, everyday, trying to surrender. Some days more successfully than others. Some days beaten down by my own mental chaos. Some days in a total panic, not knowing how to nurture or care for myself. Some days in a rage and some days in a sea of grief- sometimes these things were about you but more often than not, they were about the shadows that have been controlling my life, undercurrents of fear and loss. So many dreams in that time, too, a lot of them with you there. Most days I didn't want to wake up because at least in dreamtime I got to see you- often it didn't make sense, but sometimes it was really nice.

I worked really hard too, on myself. What could I do to face my own fear? Not wanting to cover it up anymore. Understanding that there was no person, no thing, no situation, that could make me okay- that this vibration of fear had to go. No going around it. Understanding that fear has been responsible for destroying my life- yes, raging that it had made me lose you- or even that it had pulled you toward me, tricked me again. Just when I thought I had found somebody I could trust, build something with. Almost wishing that I had done this work years ago, and if we weren't supposed to meet- so be it- I would have been the happier because I wouldn't have had my heart crushed so bad. But I worked, cried, wrote, dreamed, did everything I could think of to empty myself of grief and fear and rage.

It was all waiting to come out anyway. It was never about you for very long- always came back to myself. To the seed, the origin of this. Defended you to a couple of people- people that love me and wanted to make you wrong, mean, careless, a monster. But I know something different about you- you are none of those things.

You were a perfect mirror for my own disease- so lost to yourself that you don't even know which end is up. Found myself in therapy screaming, "Just let me be myself!" And then I don't even know how to take care of that person, my Self. How alike you and I are. How quickly we can lose ourselves.

My point is, you haven't done this to me. Just as I am not the cause of your pain, you are not the cause of mine. Our pain was already there when we met, perhaps magnetizing each other in some cosmically wise way, that knew this was how we could heal. There was love there too. Real genuine affection, respect, concern and enjoyment- that was very very real, I don't doubt it, and I hope you won't either. Yes. The two existed side by side and don't cancel each other out.

I don't know what you feel you've learned from me, if you've gained anything. But I can say thank you, thanks for cracking me open. Thanks for being the catalyst that helped me open the door to my Self. Inspiring me, through the pain of losing you, to finally own myself once and for all. To be the queen of my own domain, as it were. To really feel myself, to chase away ghosts and shadows that have been haunting me for a lifetime.

Remember how I told you that I would always have dreams that I was losing everything? Luggage, clothing, keys... pretty symbolic, you know?

If I hadn't love you so much, it wouldn't have hurt so bad. If it hadn't hurt so bad, I wouldn't have gone so deep to end the cycle of pain I've been in my whole life.

I know you reject the idea of soulmates, because you've taken the definition of soulmate to mean something about fusion- practically the same person with the same thoughts and needs and wants. But that is not what I think a soulmate is. A friend of mine said to me, "Sometimes a person comes into your life and shakes your soul, wakes you up so you can become the person you're meant to become. And it's not about being together forever- it may just be a short time."

M, you are my soulmate, in that way. I thank you for blessing my life, shaking my soul, helping me get back to myself.

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