Dear Diary,

Back at home now. Was feeling lousy today, both physically and emotionally. For one thing, every time I lie down I start to cough, so it makes it hard to sleep. I'm thinking about trying to sleep on a mound of pillows sitting up.

The other thing is just feeling sad, originally about M, but more so about what his being able to stay away from me so long says about me. As an experiment, I asked Stacey that if she were in my situation, how would she feel? She replied that it's M's problem, and she wouldn't take it personally. Well, I seem to have some programming that says I SHOULD take it personally- that something is wrong with me, I don't matter, I am unloveable, etc. Man I am so sick of that old tape.

My intention is to keep bringing it back to erasing that old tape, doing what I can, until it's just not there anymore. That way whatever happens with M, at least I won't have that ugly thing.

Meantime, I have tried to resolve some simple things for myself:

1. Wear makeup everyday and do my hair as nice as possible (doing very well on this).

2. Wear cute outfits regularly; always dress like I'm gonna meet somebody.

3. Go back to the gym; resume walking and yoga.

4. Eat healthier.

5. Sleep better.

6. Be more organized around work.

Can I do it?

Stay tuned.

Love,
Duck

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