Dear Diary,

How shall I begin. Let me tell you how PISSED off I got at Gail today.

You may recall that I have not been talking to Gail all that much. Because she has a tendency to put her two cents in, a little too much for my taste. Well today, for some reason, I called her, and after talking quite a bit (mostly about her, and her now ex-boyfriend Craig, and the fact that she slept with some other guy, and then Craig came over and she slept with him too, and it sounds like she might get back together with Craig IF he gets a significant amount of money from his divorce, blah blah blah)-- she asked about M, how I was on that front.

I said I was good, and she asked if we had spoken. I said no, not in awhile, and her attitude was, "Well what is he waiting for?" to which I replied that we were both doing our own work, and I had dedicated myself to the intention of doing my own work for at least two months, until I was more clear. She pressed and pressed, and I just felt like I had to explain and defend, which is of course my first mistake. Why should I have to explain anything to her?

At one point I just said, "He doesn't know what he wants; he's trying to figure himself out," and she replied, "I know him-" (which is absolutely SO untrue- she has seen him in person twice, never had a serious conversation with him, and has only heard about him through me- she doesn't know JACKSHIT) "And I think he knows what he wants-- he's just too afraid to tell you!" (Implying of course that he doesn't have any desire to be with me, and he's just too scared to say so).

"I don't think that," I said. "He's always had a problem knowing who he is and figuring out what he feels."

To which she replied, "Well, you can think that." In the most bitch-nasty SMUG tone that implied I am wrong- it made me want to slap her face (good thing we were on the phone).

For whatever reason, I just felt frozen. I felt like a thousand little poison arrows had shot over from Gail's smug nasty-bitch ass right into my head. It upset me SO MUCH, I can't even tell you. I found it hard to concentrate on my work for almost 45 minutes, I was so upset. I had to write out some of my angry thoughts on a paper just to try to dump them out of my head.

This is just one of my biggest problems. I feel like I can't figure things out for myself if other people are constantly reacting to my stuff and giving me their unwelcome opinions. And, I guess, I have a fear that she was right. That M IS just stringing me along? That he is clear there is nothing left for us, but hasn't told me?

It took me awhile to calm down from this place, I was so angry. The whole thing is ridiculous. I consider these points:

1. How ridiculous for her to claim that she knows M, when I don't even know him anymore, AND, he hardly knows himself. Seriously. Even when we were dating, M just didn't know what he wanted, in life, or in relationship, or anything. This whole thing is about him finding himself, and me finding myself. So fuck her.

2. M has been pretty honest with me about everything. He would always tell me when he felt uncomfortable, even if it took awhile to get it out. When we spoke that day about whether we were broken up or not, I believe he was telling me the truth about just not knowing. He could have told me he wanted out right then, but he didn't. I think he would tell me if he was ready to split because I know he is concerned about putting me through pain, and I believe he would want to set me free sooner than later. So maybe I do know him a little more than Gail. So fuck her.

3. This is a situation that has evolved from M and me. It shouldn't matter that it doesn't look like what everyone else expects it to look like. Yes, it's different, and yeah, it's confusing, but why should I have to explain it to anyone? Fuck her.

4. Gail really shouldn't say fucking anything. What does she know about relationships? Craig is a child, and the whole time I've known her, all they do is fight- and she is never wrong, in her eyes. She refuses to take any responsibility for her part in relationship, and constantly defines everyone else and how they are wrong and she is right. And she tries to act so evolved and like she and Craig have this amazing relationship. Every other day she'd be claiming she was going to break up with him, and of course as soon as she thought any money would be coming from his divorce the story would be that they were back together again-- even today, she said, "Craig has nothing to offer me," but in the next breath she said he had another court date and was sounding like it was quite possible they could have a life together. Whatever. Fuck her.

I don't know if it's worth saying anything to her, I thought about calling her and saying, "I just want to tell you that I don't want to talk to you anymore about M, that subject is off limits for us, because I don't want your opinions about it." But then when I try to figure it out in my mind, I don't know if I could hold my ground, or pinpoint what she said-- I could see me describing how she said what she did- honestly Diary if you had heard her tone you would know what I'm talking about- so snotty- but, the other factor is that Gail always has to be RIGHT (kind of like my sister Delia) and when you try to argue with a person like that, they will never say die, they will argue to the finish, make up things they said, insist they said it differently or I took it the wrong way, etc. Why do you think she and Craig fight so much? Who do you think wins all the time?

So I'm thinking that confronting her on this may be a losing battle. Other possibilities that I'm leaning toward include ignoring her for awhile (an oldie but a goodie- something I'm extremely talented at) and also being more prepared that the next time she asks about M I do say, "I don't want to talk about it," and if she presses or offers her opinion at that moment I will say, "That's why I don't want to talk about it. I don't really want to hear what anyone else thinks about this particular issue." And bam, end of story.

And okay, maybe she's RIGHT. Who knows? Maybe he's not that into me anymore. Maybe he's scared shitless, and would rather run away and be with someone shallow. Maybe he is just too messed up to figure it out right now. But I do know that he was an awfully good person when he left my house that day in October. I know that he did his best to express his truth that time we spoke about how difficult it is for him to be around me. That's the deal. I've made my choice- I'm trying to get into my life, examine the problems that I have, the problems that got me here and hold me back. I've chosen to work on that AND somehow stay in this weird, and yes, maybe half-assed relationship. Maybe I call it a relationship and you would call it something else. I don't care. It's not for you to decide.

And yes maybe I am AFRAID. But at least I am looking at my fears, I am trying to see them for what they are. Maybe I am afraid to let go- just like you, Gail, are afraid to live your life by yourself and keep looking for some guy with money to save you. (-but good luck with that since any intelligent guy with cash will smell that on you- it's never about love for you-)! Regardless, these are my choices, and not yours, and how can you claim to know my mind, or M's? I'm not even clear yet. When I get clear, when I am less afraid, maybe I will demand answers, maybe I will break it off. But that's not my choice right now. I am choosing to work on myself and see what's next for me.

So fuck you.

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