having it all [ 2008-01-22, 10:15 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Once again stayed up too late, until this morning, actually. Slept in way too much- rather fitful dreams- then checked my messages. There was one there from LilyB, and I agreed to meet her for a bite to eat. So quickly put myself together and off to meet her...

We had some very bad sushi, which I couldn't even finish because the quality was so bad. And normally I like a good sushi meal. We talked a bit, and I just have to say, I like LilyB so much. She is a good listener, and supports me in whatever way I am unfolding-- not trying to push her belief systems on me, like some other people I've mentioned in the past few entries.

After our brief meeting, I went to therapy, where we tried one of the new techniques that I learned from Serena, but it felt a little weird. Afterward I called Serena and told her about it. She said it sounded fine for a first time. I also told her about my interaction with Grace, and Serena suggested not to do anything, nor to take anything personally- meaning, don't try to fix anything for Alphie, and don't worry about Grace not saying goodbye. She says that as the class goes on we will all be gaining more skills in communicating with each other. So that feels good.

I stopped off at the grocery store and bought a few items, although I was quite stuck on what to get for dinners. I find myself wondering, what do people eat for dinner? I really had no idea what- so just some salad, and bread, and cereal came home with me. Sad, I know. I have to stop eating pizza late at night (sigh).

Perhaps I will make some sort of menu, and that will help me eat better. I certainly need to do more planning around my sleep and exercise schedule.

Marbled in this day, of course, has been some lonely and painful moments, I'm wondering when they will go away completely. As time goes by, soon there will be more time apart than there was time together- how long does it take to heal completely? Some people have a theory, that it takes half the time of the whole relationship, but I don't know if time spent in an undescribable break is admissable as time, or if the ticker begins when you are officially broken up. And if that theory is true, then M certainly has a long way to go, as he was married for many many years. So yes, maybe it's not in the cards for us, which is mind boggling for me. And I will just keep writing that until it's out of my system, cause that's what diaries are for...

What I want? I want love... amazing love... I want someone to be excited about being with me, seeing me, talking to me... someone who longs to hear my voice, smell the scent of my skin, see me smile. Someone who feels blessed to soak up what I have to give. Where I am at: I just can't believe the turn of events, I feel like I had all those things at the beginning of this relationship, and somehow it was yanked from underneath me... through no fault of my own, but because I chose a man that doesn't know how to love himself, that has a hard time loving himself... and without that foundation how can he love me? Such a struggle... and now I feel betrayed, not even by him but by God... why would you give me something I asked for, make it appear that way in the beginning, get me to fall in love with him and then take him away? Seems like a pretty mean trick, the old switcheroo. No fair, no fair, I want to say to the Universe. What's up with this? (Yes, I know, I wouldn't be so immersed in this work unless it hurt so bad, so I had to love him, but just let me rant, people- feelings are feelings). Well. Can I get to a place where I can let go, where I can think about M, not being connected to me, and it's okay? To even be okay with the fact that he might end up with someone better suited to him? That's always a tough one. I am willing to do my work, I am willing to learn my life lessons, but do they have to hurt so much?

And meanwhile, I am feeling quite inspired by work, and will be carrying on as always. I've had several inspirations for new presentations, and maybe even partnering up with some other people, I'm not sure. I am sure that I am sick of just squeaking by financially, and I am ready for things to be easier in that department. I am ready for life to be easier, actually, life, love, money, career, health, happiness- yes, I am ready to have it all.

Love,
Duck

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