Dear Diary,

Things to feel good about: all the bills have been paid, dropped in the mailbox yesterday. A check sent to my mom, my dentist, and various other folks I am owing money to.

If you were to watch a montage of my life these days (something I hope would be put to some cool music, something that speaks about how I am getting stronger everyday)... you would see me:

1. sleeping
2. working
3. lying in the bathtub reading various self-improvement books, including the whole slew on abandonment and betrayal that I've recently ordered
4. knitting and crocheting, to keep busy
5. reading my cards, hopefully
6. occasionally leaving the house
7. crying in my therapist's office
8. receiving treatment from various other healers
9. sometimes smiling

I hope to expand on #6 and be more dedicated to things like dance class, exercise (perhaps back to the gym) and going out.

Sometimes, when I watch some of the DVDs I've obtained from the library, I will see a romantic scene and feel a longing toward wanting to be kissed by somebody. And that's just it. Somebody, not necessarily M. That's only sometimes that happens, but I think it's a sign that I am letting go a little more. It used to be only imagining him, that he and only he could give me what I need. But when this other feeling comes up, it is one of worthiness, a knowing that I don't want to be alone, or in limbo, or waiting (am I waiting? I'm not sure) for the rest of my life. That I am ready for love, and part of me is ready to consider that there may be someone else meant to share it with me.

I talked to Gail today, but did not mention my feelings about yesterday's discussion (see yesterday's 'f**k you' entry). Why? You may be wondering why I don't just cut her out of my life completely.... well, she and I are supposed to take a training together (YES, another training, I know! But I'm trying to be successful here, people!! And YES, this means I will be enrolled in TWO trainings simultaneously, as well as operating my own business- I am crazy).

Last night I talked to Red about my upset with the things she said to me, and after describing her energy, Red agreed that she probably wouldn't respond well to the kind of conflict I considered. Believe me, I know that Gail loves me and cares about me, she just happens to be this pushy character type that doesn't quit. If she were my enemy, she would be just like CF- although CF is evil. But the point is, there's no winning with people like that. Just because they are your friends, doesn't mean they are reasonable.

Instead, I have decided to take the advice of the book I talked about a couple entries ago. The advice is, when someone tries to define me, or tell me how I think (or, for example, how M thinks)- rather than arguing with them, I just act like they are speaking complete nonsense. That means I say things like, "What??" and "I don't understand what you're saying." Basically, you just refuse to engage with the idea that what they are saying has any merit... but rather like they are speaking some extraterrestrial language. Supposedly, if these pushy people have any sense of a brain, this tactic will make them listen to THEMSELVES, and they will realize that they are (a) defining and judging someone else or (b) talking like they are inside of that person and know the workings of their mind, which they will then see as ridiculous, and it will make them stop.

Yesterday with Gail was kind of a sneaky attack, as she asked me what was going on, pressed for explanations of what M was doing, and then said what she did. So from now on, I guess I will just say that I am doing well, no I haven't heard from M, and if she says anything else, I'll just tell her I don't understand her. It's hard because we have been good friends for a while, but you can see how this incident has made me lose my desire to share with her about this subject.

And last night before I went to bed, I checked my MySp@c3 profile and saw that M had been online, and obviously looked at me-- I don't know why, but it made me happy. For a while. Does that mean he misses me? It might. Then life goes on and I feel many different things, including the fear of being hurt.

The big buzzwords are rejection, abandonment, betrayal, and letting go. So those are the ones I'm working on. Hence why I ordered many more books, why I am working so hard. How do you keep yourself from being rejected? I don't know. Impossible, maybe, but I thought, how do you keep yourself from feeling the SAME feeling of abandonment over and over again, the SAME feeling of betrayal, that feeling that says, "Oh this again. This always happens to me. Something is very wrong with me, because the same thing happens again and again."

I think I know how. You heal the original incident. The first time you experienced that, and created that thought, and that thought solidified into a belief, which created more and more experiences of the same. Which, for most of us, happened before we even have words.

Call me a nerd, new age, pop psychology, whatever, but I believe it's true. I've watched so many men come into my life, and disappear. I know I've got something to do with it, whether it's my underlying fear, a look in my eyes, something about me that is terrified. And further proof for me is that I have discovered it- I've seen the link between Alphie and my mother- how the same things that enrage me about him are things that I can't stand about her. I remember growing up in that house, that house where I felt like I didn't matter.

That's the belief I have had, "I don't matter." So no surprise that the men that come into my life, they treat me exactly that way, The Disposable Girl. Well I don't WANT to be her anymore, Disposable Girl. I've spent my life building myself to be something more than that, but there's one little part that just hasn't gotten the news. And that's the part I'm working on.

I'm not sure about M. He has always cared about me, my feelings... maybe a little TOO much... he hasn't treated me like I'm disposable, but he has definitely been "one foot in, one foot out". And I want somebody to be crazy about me. So maybe that requires me being crazy about myself.

My dream is, that no matter what happens to me, like, if M does walk away, I can feel MYSELF inside myself.... and like myself... and really see the situation for what it is... the limitations in the situation, and not make it mean- Duck is bad, Duck is unloveable, etc. etc.

How easy it is to make a drama of it all. I've read so many diaries of people who bemoan their fate, wondering why the world has done this to them, what is wrong with this other person, they are the victim, etc. We can all slip into that place, but it's my responsibility now to remind myself that there's no victims here. I can lie down and cry, and worry, and wonder, or I can just muddle through it all and move forward, heal that place, so it doesn't have to be triggered by someone else.

It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.

Love,
Duck

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