self-knowledge, self-reliance and freedom [ 2008-01-25, 1:33 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

It's interesting (to me) how I can have a realization, but it is only like the glimmer of a realization. And then sometime down the road, that glimmer becomes brighter than a gleam, and eventually it's like huge truck headlights shining in my face.

Take, for example, the time I mentioned that my relationships have always been triangles. I could see this for ages, kind of knew it had something to do with my parents- but really didn't see the terrible effect it had on me until just recently. Knowing that I was burning up and leaking rage, but not doing anything about it. What took me so long?! I guess I was just not ready to deal with those things at that time.

Now, I find myself again realizing, like I stated a month or so ago, that rather than setting M free, so much of this is about setting myself free. Free from the bonds of mental chaos, old memories, dreams and visions I got attached to. It is about my own freedom- gaining my own freedom, and not necessarily loss. Is it? For maybe in every bit of loss, there is freedom gained. Self-knowledge, self-reliance, and freedom.

How we resist these things.

Today, I accomplished much. Cleaned the bathroom, hallway, vaccuumed and aired out the bedroom- windows wide open- it's been a bit stuffy in here. Literally months of down in the dumps energy concentrated around my bed. Saged all around, and will probably do it again. I have a client just stopping by to review a proposal, but it's nice to have everything in order, and be able to keep most of the doors open. My office space is still pretty much out of control... but, can't do everything in one day, I guess.

So, carrying on- the best I know how.

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