insomnia [ 2008-01-25, 4:10 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Logic of course dictates that I should be sleeping, but my brain has clicked on, or something, and that's not happening. What did insomniacs do before the internet? It's hard to remember...

Amazing how I can come up with so many words, day after day, entry after entry, even when I feel so empty inside. I know there is possibility in all things, and maybe that's my downfall. I am just trying to move from point A to point B.

Some people may think it's ridiculous, those that have never struggled this way with their sense of self, those that haven't felt defined by another person or that their own personhood was threatened by another's actions or thoughts. I've always been kind of envious of those people. Aware that my own foundation has been unstable, I'm finally starting to get the tools to become my own person. But there are moments that feel wasted, if I'd only had this knowledge so much earlier in my life, I could have avoided so much pain.

I was thinking about my conversation with Grace, how she said, "Well I know you told Alphie that asking for space was about you, but it still hurts when someone doesn't want to see you." Sister, you don't have to tell me, I know. I know how that hurts. And it's hard to believe that it could really be about the other person sometimes. So I guess I'm on the giving and receiving end of that particular pain.

That's about the end of my intelligence a few hours before dawn.

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