the threads of rage [ 2008-01-26, 1:02 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

It appears that the Universe will send you signs, if you are open to seeing them. Today I noticed one. Actually I have been running into several, similar situations as mine- online, and with friends.

A mutual aquaintance, who has actually always been annoying to me, actually broke down and confessed how much he is grieving, because he and his girlfriend broke up two months ago. It boiled down to his feeling that once again in life he hadn't been chosen (a feeling he was familiar with in his family of origin) and besides having some real grief about it, also having some rage.

I could see his grief, see the pain of not feeling chosen by his family, and also I questioned him as to if he "chooses" himself on a regular basis. Or does he abandon himself like I abandon myself?

It was interesting, because it set me to thinking. I am already aware that I abandon myself- becoming more concerned about what M is thinking about me, what that says about me- but this just seemed to hit home, once again. Those truck headlights shining in my eyes.

Also, I've been reading another book on anger. And feeling angry just reading it! I guess it reminds me of all the situations where I've accomodated somebody else, and stuffed my own feelings inside.

So when I came home, I took out my wiffle bat, and smashed some pillows, at first feeling angry at M - "How could you leave me?" then Grace, and Alphie, and that whole mess- how everything's about them- then Gail, and the nasty stuff she said to me the other day- then back to M- then God, "How could you do this to me? I work so hard, I asked for a boyfriend, you give me someone I love and then you take him away! You're supposed to take care of me!!" And I kept saying that over and over again, "I'm supposed to be special to you, you're supposed to take care of me!" And I realized it felt like I wasn't talking to God anymore, but more like my parents (and yeah, specifically, my mother-). And then big, fat tears came out, I know when they are that big and thick that they are old, old grief (my theory). But it was interesting, as this whole process took about 10 minutes, but there was so much stuff in there!

Maybe this has something to do with my disbelief around M- I still often think I'm just in shock- I say things in my head like, "I just don't believe it! I don't believe you don't love me! I don't believe we're not supposed to be together!!" I really am, AMAZED, after all this time. But it seems like it could connect, (as my therapist once mentioned), to this total disbelief and shock that someone who it supposed to love me, someone who actually BIRTHED me, could treat me emotionally and physically like she did. It's like I never let go of my disbelief.

I guess I just needed to cry about it. I don't like to be a drama queen, and tell all the details and horror stories to try to evoke responses in someone else; it's not about that. It's just really amazing to me, how all these threads lead back to a time when I was so young... and somehow these messages get in and take root and next thing you know, look at your life! Holy cow.

But I believe awareness is a huge step in the healing, and I've seen the thread- seen the belief- and the disbelief. And most of all I believe in myself. No matter how down I get, and I can get pretty down- I'll never tell you I'm powerless. I'm a very hard worker. Really, I don't know if there is anyone in this life for me. But I guess that shouldn't keep me from being everything that I am.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Duck

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