Dear Diary,

Life. You meet a person, and they are who they are. And sometimes you may have all these ideas about how they could be BETTER, or at least do something differently to enhance your life- but- alas, they have their own path.

And so it goes.

I am in limbo, and some people tell me I am doing very well with that. They say they'd never be able to do it. I just feel confused, and sometimes hopeful, sometimes despondent. I examine my own feelings daily and a lot of what I believe about myself. There's a lot of stuff in there that I don't want to keep.

After my appointment with Kate yesterday, I went to the library and picked up my new stack of books- more research- and then met my friend Ted for a good meal and a cup of tea. He likes to eat primarily vegetarian and a lot of raw food, so it was probably the healthiest thing I've eaten in months. I made a joke that we should do this once a week, just so I can start eating healthier.

Ted is interesting in that he likes to go to small restaurants and cafes, and start conversations with random people he has never met before. He likes to talk about books, films, ideas and areas of study... and he will often whip out his blackberry and type in the title of a book or movie that he's been recommended to check out. This much random socializing can be a little unnerving at first, but I have begun to find it endearing. We also discussed the possibility of getting together and brainstorming, perhaps tape recording the ideas, so I can figure out ways to expand my consulting business.

After the most delicious little coconut desserty thing, I left Ted and headed back home. My usual thing- TV, computer, crochet, computer, reading, etc... I have tried to update on D-land for a couple of days, but something messed up is happening with this site for me. My pages load very slow, or not at all. I can't open my notes, and things are getting "lost"- one minute they are there, and the next minute when I put my cursor on them, they disappear! So I hope I can successfully put in this entry.

Last night I started to cry at about 3 in the morning- grieving- which hasn't happened, really. I still feel as though I've only scratched the surface. I guess I really don't know if I should be grieving or not. Is it time? Is it necessary? What am I crying about? I'm not sure, but I decided to just have some compassion for myself. I cuddled up and just tried to soothe myself late into the night. I watched my DVD, and told myself it was no big deal if I didn't go to dance class the next day.

I had a dream this morning. I was drawing on the sidewalk with chalk, and Red's friend Erin (whom I barely know) came up to me, and as I was delicately tracing M's initial in chalk, she said, "M loves you, you know." "He does?" I asked, and she said, "Yes."

I believe that's true. I do think he loves me, and I'm always waiting for signs in my dreams, ones I can actually understand- so there you go. But I am also aware that even if he loves me, it doesn't guarantee that he will choose to be with me. People don't always follow love, because it can feel too scary. Sometimes the familiar can feel safer, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

As I was leaving my apartment to go to therapy, I came upon an interesting scene in the hallway. The neighbor from upstairs, an elderly lady, had fallen down the stairs, and a bunch of neighbors were standing around her. I ran inside my place and got some pillows and blankets, and myself and a couple of other neighbors waited until the ambulance came. It was awkward, since I knew I was missing therapy, and I would have to pay for the appointment even if I missed it. The old lady didn't seem to be in a lot of pain, she just said it hurt whenever she tried to get up to stand, so she was just kind of sitting on the floor. I was concerned about her, but also don't know her very well, and felt limited in what I could do. I kept wondering when it would be okay to go, since there were other people around who seemed to know her better, attending to her comfort. I waited till the ambulance was there, and then I figured it was okay to make an exit. I called my neighbor a bit ago, and she told me that the lady had fractured her hip- sucks- so I feel bad about that. I should drop by with some food later in the week.

I did go to therapy, and even though I was 20 minutes late, we were able to get some good work done. Talking about my anger and resentment, and how I wish I could access it earlier and just tell people to fuck off or get out of my space, rather than getting confused, taking it on, and needing several days to recover from an argument, disagreement, or verbal attack.

After the appointment, I felt somewhat at a loss, with nothing to do... that's when I really feel like I lose myself- so, I went out to dinner. I figured it was a good way to treat myself, with a balanced meal. As opposed to coming home, eating crap, and burning my eyes out with the TV and computer. (Yet, here I am now).

Incidentally, speaking of anger and whatnot- today is Gail's birthday, so I did call her and wish her a happy day. We also talked about several subjects, and I did reiterate that I am in a period of my life where I am doing a lot of introspective work, and need a lot of space, and it might not look sensible to other people, but I needed to figure things out myself. So, not directly bringing up our conversation of a couple of weeks ago, but making the point that I didn't want people's advice. Now, if she starts to give me her opinion, I can just remind her of that. She listened and supported me in that, as a matter of fact even making a little speech about how she supported me in that, and told me that I shouldn't worry that she felt that I was being selfish and withdrawing and whatever else, because she understood. Although this is the 3rd or 4th time she's told me that, and brought up the idea that I might be selfish, withdrawing, pulling away from her, etc, which leads me to believe that she doth protest too much and those things are really bothering her. But even if they are, well, too bad, because I'm still going to do what I need to do for myself!

Kate brought up and important point in our session yesterday, which was the possibility that my sister Delia might be very jealous of me, in a big sister way. Perhaps feeling that I am smarter, funnier, or even prettier (though I never thought about this). It was interesting because I made the parallel that maybe even GAIL can be a little jealous of me at times- she always remarked how impressed she was that M and I handled our emotions so maturely- while she and Craig were yelling, screaming, and throwing things at each other every day- so it occurred to me that she might even be a little jealous of my process. That I am not blaming everything on M, that I am taking responsibility for my own emotions, that I am getting more grounded. While meanwhile Gail is really afraid to be by herself, and clings to any guy that seems to have money, in the hope that she can have some security in her life. But she doesn't want to be vulnerable in relationship, she never wants to be wrong, and this leads to her not really even liking men as people- but only for what they can give her, materially. That can equal a lonely life. She has even tried to include me in this by saying things like, "Women like us may never have a lasting relationship, because we're too smart and amazing," but I don't want to buy into that scene. One, because I don't think we're that much alike, though we both have our individual talents and are amazing women in our own right- and Two, I don't want to create this idea that because of those things I need to be alone for the rest of my life. That's just no fair.

In any case, here I am- I'm going to do a bit more work, and just settle in. I feel like I've definitely reached some sort of plateau, and I'm hoping for a breakthrough of sorts, but it might be a while before it gets here.

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