Dear Diary,

Today was a day of small victories. First of all, just going out of the house with my period and all was something to be proud of. But I have been talking about co-creating some presentations with a woman named Ginny, and I promised her I would go look at a space. Actually, I was supposed to do it yesterday- that's how lame I am. So I HAD to go today.

It was a big deal to get dressed and leave the house, and trudge through the rain. I went and looked at the place- it was terrible- and then I went to the library, and ran a couple of errands. I was supposed to have dinner with Steffy tonight but I had already canceled, figuring I'd be crampy. Actually today was better than a lot of days that I've had, so I'm thinking that maybe the acupunture did something. But I have not been going the last month or so, due to money issues. So maybe I should go back to keep it up, I'm not sure.

At any rate, I got a lot of calls done, and stopped at the grocery store, and I even bought a headset for my cell phone. This is kind of a big deal, and I think it turned my head around. I'll tell you why.

Having a long-distance relationship means spending a lot of time on the phone. And having a phone crammed against your ear for hours on end means the dreaded Red Ear Syndrome (RES) or, at the very least, a possible brain tumor. M and I always had an issue with being on the phone so much- he even claimed it was ruining his neck. He had a bluet0oth but somehow it got messed up--and I just have a crappy phone. One day he gave me an old (wire) headset of his. It was very cheap, but I loved it- I loved that I could have my hands free, didn't have to tilt my head, and could even walk outside and swing both my arms like a normal person.

Well, because it was old and cheap, it didn't last long. The wiring got messed up and then I couldn't hear the other person or they couldn't hear me. I had to throw it out.

When M and I talked after our original separation, I mentioned that the headset had bit the dust. M started to say something about replacing it, but kind of stopped himself in mid-sentence. I heard this happen, and I ruminated on it for sometime. He had always bought me things; why had he started to say he would get me a new one and then stopped himself? Did he not like me anymore? When I thought about it some more I remembered all his "rescuer" tendencies- how he always did everything for his ex- even anticipated rescuing her before she might need it. I thought that maybe he was working on this in therapy, and trying to stop himself from jumping in and rescuing. Just doing his own work and trying to figure himself out before he offered something.

And I've gone many more months without one. That's the thing about me... there are things that can make my life easier, but I don't always invest in them. Oftentimes people will buy or give them to me- and sometimes I wait for that, rather than being proactive and getting them myself. I really enjoyed having that headset and have been wanting another one. Consciously, I don't really know what I was expecting- the headset fairy to fly in the window and slap one on my head?

I was passing an electronics store and just decided to go in and buy one. To end the waiting for someone to take care of me, even in the little ways, and just do for myself. Why not make my life more comfortable now? Have I been unconsciously waiting for my lover to make my life more comfortable? Is this indicative of the way I "abandon" myself- the small ways I don't care and nurture myself?

AND I got the most expensive one- with wind resistance, or whatever. I am very proud of myself. As ridiculous as it sounds, this is very different for me. I tend to be a very "hand me down" girl". A lot of the things I have, have been given to me... inherited without a lot of choice. My hat and gloves never match, some of my clothes are not really what I'd like them to be. I am used to taking things that other people no longer want. I very rarely indulge in anything (other than travel- and even then, it's a very frugal sort of travel). I wear shoes until the heels are practically non-existent. I've had the same dresses for years. I only have one saucepan. I have wanted a mini-bouncer for years, and never bought one. I'd really like a sound dock for my ipod....

For me to buy new, nice things for myself is very different. As soon as I bought that headset, I imagined that the list of things I could purchase to make my life more simple, pleasant and beautiful could be quite substantial. And I kind of feel excited. Is this where I've been waiting? What would change about me if I could truly provide myself with what I want, if I decided, even on an unconscious level, that I would be responsible for my own happiness?

It's a big deal. And I'm excited about it. I feel good. I bought good food at the grocery store, and cooked a good meal when I got home- including vegetables. I want to nurture myself with good food, good sleep, and all the things I deserve.

And I'm really starting to believe I deserve them.

I'm so glad that Red is home, and I wrote him an email asking if he wanted to hang out tomorrow. Then I talked to Gail on the phone. It was actually a really great conversation, and she invited me over for the weekend. I started to get really excited about it. We haven't hung out or seen each other in probably 6 months. The thought of staying with a girlfriend for the weekend, and not sitting here in the house alone on yet another Saturday night, was very tempting.

So I've decided to do that. I got a little worried and freaked out about switching plans with Red, but called him and told him I thought I could really use a "girl weekend". He understood, also he's been away for a week and has a lot of work to do... so it was fine... but I realized when I was explaining to him how much it would mean to me not to be alone at night, and tears came up... that there is still a lot of grief and sadness I am feeling.

I think Red was originally very worried about me going to Gail's house, especially since I told him in detail about the argument with Gail. He tends to be very protective of me, like a big brother. I told him that I had worked on that issue in therapy- and also expressed to Gail that I didn't want anybody's opinions... and now I do feel that I will be able to pay attention and nip things in the bud if they start to go that way. Plus, Gail may have actually listened to me. She told me to bring my hiking boots, but I told her I don't have them- they're actually at M's house. She asked me if he would get them to me- and I said flatly, "I'm not contacting him." She didn't argue with me or ask why, but rather seemed to respect what I said and tried to think of solutions- boots she might have or something else I could wear.

And here at home I haven't let the dishes pile up, I've kept the bathroom neat and I even spent a few minutes starting the monumental task of organizing my home office.

Small, but important, victories, my friend.

Love,
Duck

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