Hi Diary,
I totally forgot what I was going to write, but I'm back again....
I have been writing steadily in my paper journal since the beginning of the year, and I've completely filled one up. I have a lot of journals, some empty ones somewhere, I'm pretty sure- and some that have only had a page or two written on.
So last night I was searching for a fresh one- because I like to roll right over and start writing when I wake up. (Sometimes I even write in the dark, and can't even see what I'm writing. Come to think of it, sometimes I go back and read what I've written, and I don't even remember thinking it or writing it. This morning journaling is pretty interesting).
I came upon an old journal, with several entries from 2000-2004. Several entries about Frank, and The Prick, whom I dated before Frank. In it I bemoaned being confused, and sad, and all those usual things... but I also wrote a lot about those relationships. It seemed I never said what I wanted, and never got what I wanted- I was always waiting for the guys to change. The Prick even told me about his connections with other women, and from the beginning made it very clear that I was just "practice" for him-- and yet I still went out with him.
What. Was Wrong. With Me?
(Hopefully was. Not is. We here at Duck's diary are sincerely hoping that this phase of her life is over!)
But. Same with Frank. Waiting for it to be different. Waiting for him to desire me, be more sexual, stop criticizing me, etc. etc. Oh what a drag. I can't believe I wasted so much time on those guys. Please!
If anything it convinced me that I can't waste any more time here. I really need to get myself in order. Proper grieving is one thing, but moping around in a pit is another.
I ask myself, who do I WANT to be? What do I WANT to look like?
Well... I want to be a woman who comes home to a neat and organized apartment... that when I sit in this space, my mind feels clear... I have a nice work space and I know where everything is. I want to look nice when I go out, because I want to feel pretty. I am pretty inside, this I know- and I want it to be reflected on the outside. I want to be happy. I want my refrigerator to be stocked with healthy food. I want to be well rested, and look it- and have glowing skin.
Lately, my skin has been breaking out- no doubt a result of my slipping diet. I'm considering doing another cleanse and an additional internal cleanse as well, for liver and kidneys, etc. It's been suggested to me several times that the health of these organs are very much connected to the balance of the body and sleep. Also, I know the past several years have been VERY stressful, and that means my liver has taken a hit. Even though I am eating better, I don't FEEL as well as when I used to eat well- so I believe there's still something that needs to be done for my internal organs.
So, despite my disappointments of today- plans gone awry and technology letting me down- I'm still pretty hopeful. I was hoping for an escape from this weekend- a way to get away- but maybe that's not what I need at all. Maybe I need to really dig in and get organized. I'm considering spending tomorrow cleaning out closets and tying up loose ends. This cannot go on forever.
I confess I also have been looking at things online like these e-advertisements like "How To Get Him Back" etc. I know there are no quick fixes and I certainly don't want to play games, but I hope they will give me some clue as to what I can do, and if I'm doing anything "wrong". Well all the books start out by saying basically the same thing- no one wants a sad sack. There is nothing more unappealing than that. I need to get into my own LIFE- okay, I get it- I wish I knew what I wanted to do to get back in it! I guess that is something to think about.
And, since I got such little sleep last night (probably four hours or so), it's lights out about now.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Love,
Duck
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