Dear Diary,

This morning Chandra read my cards over the phone. It was a good reading- not that it told me that anything definite was going to happen- but basically that fate hasn't been decided yet. She said, "Looking at these, I wouldn't tell you to just walk away." There was a lot of grief and heartache I am holding, but we know about that already. I feel like I'm on the right track- working on myself. Working on these past issues of heartbreak and betrayal. I know it's in me, and I know I can change it.

So I feel a second wind of inspiration. If there is a task before me, and I sort of have a picture of what that looks like, it makes life so much easier. I'm not afraid of hard work- I'm not afraid to dive in and make myself a better person. I'm not afraid to get rid of my fear, even though it's a scary prospect- yes I see the humor in that statement! It's scary to let things go sometimes because we often associate them with our identity, figuring they describe who we are. Who would I be without this fear? Who would I be if I was really that confident in myself?

It's funny because sometimes when I talk about these issues with people, they can't believe that I think like this about myself. They say I project such a confidence in the world- they would never guess. Well the weird thing about me is that I AM confident in many areas of my life- work, and social places, and several things- but intimate relationships have been my weakness. That's where these abandonment issues get triggered, and all the self-doubt comes in. I guess because deep down I just never believed somebody could love me- there's something about worthiness there.

That's why you, Diary, are so important to me- a place where I can be anonymous, a place where I can dump out all these feelings and fears. I don't feel like I can take these feelings anywhere else. For now, I feel like it's most important to keep these parts of my life separate- they are so radically different, in a way that scares me. The chasm seems so wide. But I would like to bridge it. What if I were as confident in relationship as I am about some of the other stuff that I do?

THAT would be interesting.

I think I am going to do some massive de-cluttering today. I've got my eye on one of my bedroom closets. I know I have to do a lot in my office space, but that feels a little too daunting. Although I may tackle and finish up my tax stuff. That would be nice to get that out of the way. I have plenty to do, but I'm going to eat something first and then go for a walk. It's necessary for me to get outside.

I feel good. Inspired. I feel that I have some power in my life- I can create a reality. I know that I cannot change another person, but I can change things about myself and the energy I draw into my life. I really want to change this "sad" vibration about me- my whole life people have described me as "sad", even when I feel happy. It's like a cloud that has been hanging over me. Now I feel like I know what it's about, and I don't want it anymore.

Oh. And I found a headset online that's the kind I want. And it's not very expensive.

See? Life is looking up.

Love,
Duck

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