fate on a bookshelf [ 2008-02-03, 10:41 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well.

Do you know how sometimes things are happening in your life, and you say something like, "I wish I knew this 2 years ago," or "I wish somebody told me THIS when I was twenty-five, so I wouldn't be dealing with it now!"

Well.

I don't know if surprised is the word, but I sure am... something.

Do you know all those books I've been ordering for the library, waiting for them to come in? The ones on healing abandonment issues, etc.?

Well.

Tonight I was organizing my bookshelf, and guess what I found there.

Yes.

One of the very same books I just ordered from the library- "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

Now... I'm not really sure where it came from, but I think Frank gave it to me. It seems that it would be Frank, because he was a social worker, and he'd be interested in books like that. I can't quite remember, but if I think really hard, I CAN imagine a scenario where he 1) either had an extra and gave it to me or 2) recommended it as a good book. I really don't know. Perhaps he could see traces of the "abandoned child" in me and gave it to me in the nicest way, hoping I would see myself in it.

I'm pretty sure I haven't read it... wouldn't I remember something like that? I don't even recall skimming the pages.

It's just interesting, and weird, and... I don't know... some word I don't know... to find it on my bookshelf at this time in my life... and even weirder still if Frank, the man who broke my heart in a significant way the first time, gave it to me... and weird that my situation with M mirrors the situation with Frank, who gave me the book. I think.

So life is weird. And if it was Frank who gifted me with it, then it's safe to assume that this book has been in my house for at least 3 years, if not more. So I'm not allowed to complain. Because I guess, it took THIS particular situation to get me to pay attention to the fact that I have abandonment issues. Which just goes to show, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

You can lead a person to self-help books, but you can't make them acknowledge their own problems until they're ready.

When you're ready, you're ready. And that's that. And the Universe will just keep giving you little signs until you're in enough discomfort to see them.

I'm going now. I've got some reading to do.

Love,
Duck

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