Dear Diary,

Well I really don't know what to write. It took me all day to get motivated, but I did do the dishes and take a shower. I listened to two of the CDs. It's a good thing I have them, because I do feel better after I listen to them. So I guess they may have been worth the money after all.

Then I went out, and hung out with Red and one of his other friends. We went to a Korean restaurant, and Red paid (thankfully!). But we stayed out too late and it took forever for me to get home.

My friend David called, the one I take my training with, the guy that bought me the rose and then we talked about it and decided to just be friends. Well it seems as though he and his wife are in some sort of makeup space, and have actually been "dating" each other, and getting along. And he said, rather jokingly, "I tried to date you for a few minutes, but it didn't last." And I said, "Yes, because I'm already dating someone I'm not dating." Then he kinded of ended the conversation- it felt like he kind of cut everything short- and said, "Well, at least we can be really good friends."

Granted, I am happy for him that things are working out better with his wife. But I guess the whole thing felt weird when he cut us off, because maybe, he really WAS hoping that something romantic could happen between us, and now that he thinks he can get his wife back again, I'm figuring that a lot of that "friendliness" was really an attraction... which is okay, but I just noticed my own feelings of rejection. A common theme in my life, so no big deal- I'm sure he really does want to be friends, and has no intention of rejecting me- but, I'm just watching my feelings and tendencies nonetheless.

I've made a couple of appointments for the week, so I'm feeling good about that. Money might work out after all... we can hope so...! I desperately need it. Yes, I'm still majorly in debt. And tired of it! There's a lot of things I want to change...

Valentine's Day is coming up, and I've been doing a lot of releasing around feelings of disappointment, and longing. I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything on that day. Who knows, I may just sit at home and listen to my whole audio program, one by one... I am kind of "covered" for the weekend- working, invited to LilyB's on Saturday- although I don't know if I'll go- working on Sunday and then supposed to head over to Gail's to start my new training. I was feeling kind of embarrassed and ashamed of my weird single status around this time of year, but I guess if I'm busy, and the only people I'm hanging out with are those people that already know about my separation, I can deal with it.

And, I invited Don over tomorrow, which may have been kind of a crazy thing to do. But I did it anyway. We have been phone tagging for a couple of weeks, and at one point I suggested he come over for a drink. Red told me that Don and his girlfriend had broken up, but when I talked to Don today, Crystal was there. I don't know if that means they're officially back together or not... at any rate, Don said he wanted to talk to me about something, so we'll see what that could be.

He may want some advice about his job- he got laid off last year, and has been on unemployment since. I know he was trying to figure out what he was going to do next. Or, who knows. I can't remember if I ever told you, Diary, about the time some months after Don disappeared, that he took me out to lunch, and at lunch he apologized for disappearing on me. He also told me he was going out with Crystal, and expressed some longing at not being able to be with him anymore... and at that point, I told him I had met somebody (M) and Don seemed very surprised, and very disappointed. I guess he was hoping he could just keep me in his pocket for when he decided he wanted me again. Maybe he thought no one else would want me?

Not that that's what's going to happen this time, but we shall see. I just couldn't help thinking about that particular time...

And, as crazy as it is, I invited Don over because I really need to clean my apartment, and I know I'll only clean it if someone comes to visit. It's just out of control, embarrassingly so, and if that's what it's going to take to clean it- a visit from an ex-boyfriend- then so it shall be. I just can't go on living this way- it has to affect me overall. It's time for me to get on the stick!

So, judge me if you will, Diary, but we here in the Land of Duck do the very best that we can. There's a lot to accomplish, and we need all the help we can get.

Love,
Duck

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