Dear Diary,

The countdown is on, I haven't lifted a finger yet to clean up this place. Don said he was coming at 6pm, but since he's always late, I figure that means really, more like 8pm. That's what I couldn't stand about him when we were dating, that he would waltz in a good two hours late and still act like he was... Don Juan.

Whatever. I stayed up too late last night, watching DVDs- I guess even when I don't have television/cable, I find a way to sabotage myself in the arena of sleep... so I guess I should return all my rented DVDs and not rent any new ones for a while!

I don't have anything interesting to write, I'm just procrastinating because I hate cleaning.

I could talk about some of the realizations I've had just recently, due to listening to my audio program... more of this "self-talk", these hidden beliefs I have about myself. I guess everyone has them, albeit different sorts. But one of the things that came up for me was along the lines of the "hand me down" girl feeling- that "I can't have what I want, I just have to take what I'm given." This is a big one and made me very very sad when I realized it... that's how I've been living my whole life! And then some part of my consciousness tries to rebel, and assert that I DO deserve this or that (you've seen me do that here, Diary...) but underneath there has been this belief, tainting everything, causing me to settle, to wait, to put other people's needs before mine... God that whole deal with Alphie, when I think of it now, it makes me SICK. But, that's a perfect example.

Another realization is that I expect to be rejected. This has happened so many times in my life that it's so easy for me to imagine the whole scenario of being left, I can very easily hear the words of the "other shoe dropping," - someone telling me they're very sorry, I'm a wonderful person but.... I'm just too much... or not enough...

It was scary to see this in me, and I've been working on erasing it from my consciousness, just clearing it out, and not making it a rule in my life! I don't want that to be the rule! I don't want to be on the outside of life looking in at people getting what they want and making their dreams come true. Don't I have as many rights to have my dreams as anyone else? I guess I've spent all this time believing that no, I don't! Time to change that.

But there is only so much stalling I can do... so I'll catch up with you later and let you know how the meeting with Don goes.

Later,
Duck

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